Mesmerized

treinta y uno.

I was uneasy as I looked at my therapist; Dr. Jade was listening intently as I expressed how I had been feeling about all of the events that had transpired. She'd set aside the book that she usually wrote her notes in and leaned forward in her seat, eyebrows knitting together the more I spoke.

"I don't want to lose him, but I won't lie to him to keep him." I finished with a sigh. It had been a week since the situation, as I'd referred to it, happened. Things were still tense between Mahdi and I; no matter how good a moment seemed; I could tell that he wasn't fully there with me.

Dr. Jade released a short sigh of her own. "I'm concerned. The reason that I don't advocate for beginning relationships at the same time as therapy is that the two things can negatively interact with each other. I'm not attempting to dissuade you in any way; but you must always remember that the emotional trauma that you've experienced cannot be undone in only a matter of months."

I sagged in defeat, "I know that, and I think he knows too; I can't help but feel like I'm disappointing him though."

"That's not the way to think Arinze; it'll only push you towards things that you're not ready for. Right now, you're trying to install windows in a house with no walls; we can't skip steps." Dr. Jade explained. "Here, I want you to take this sheet of paper." She handed me a page from her notebook along with a pen.

I looked at the two items confused, "What do you want me to do with these?"

"I was getting to that." She laughed lightheartedly. "Over the course of our holiday break, I want you to jot down every positive change that has occurred in you since beginning therapy. Take your time and leave nothing out."

My head bobbed up and down obediently, "And then I'll see how far I have left to go?"

"No, you'll see how much you've managed to accomplish in only a few months. I want you to see that you don't have to rush, it'll get easier with every passing day." Dr. Jade smiled kindly at me. "Our time is up, but I'd like you to consider a family session with your parents; having me present may make it easier for you to tell them what's been keeping your emotions closed off for so long. I know that it's a lot to think about, so take the holiday period to think it over and we'll talk about it in our first session back."

The smile on my face faltered, I'd been spending more time with my family, but I wasn't sure if I had it in me to talk about the death of my cousins again. Especially not with the way that I'd been feeling about everything else in my life.

"I'll consider it Doc, see you in two weeks!" I waved goodbye to her.

Dr. Jade shook her head in admonishment but let me go. I folded the sheet of paper and put it in my bag as I walked out to wait for my ride. I wasn't sure if it was a good sign or not, but Mahdi had offered to pick me up because it was his day off. After clearing it with my brothers, I agreed to let him do it. Because of the minor change in schedule, I was on edge; I wasn't used to anyone but my brothers seeing me right after a session. I usually didn't have much room for conversation after spending an hour with Dr. Jade; it was no one's fault but my own that I couldn't reassemble my thoughts in a timely manner.

Mahdi picked me up promptly and I got into the car with a small smile of appreciation.

"Hi Ari!" Cairo squeaked from the backseat.