Fall Into Me

“I’m tired of being enclosed here. I’m wearying to escape into that glorious world, and to be always there: not seeing it dimly through tears, and yearning for it through the walls of an aching heart: but really with it, and in it."

I looked out the window as I closed my worn copy of Wuthering Heights, setting it down on the nightstand. Snowflakes swirled passed the glass like the glitter in a snow globe as muted music drifted up from the street. A chill raced through me as my bare feet touched the floor. Pulling my peacoat around my shoulders, I moved to perch on the window seat, letting in the snowy, winter wind. 

A layer of white covered the towering gingerbread like buildings and their twisted taffy tops like a dusting of powdered sugar, glinting in the glow of the twinkle lights strung through their lace patterned eaves and banisters. Hazy reflections of the city played across the frozen river running through it, cut up and scarred from the blades of skates. Four men in red played their instruments in the pools of light beneath the street lamps while adults and children alike glided across the ice, disappearing and reappearing from the warm glow beneath the bridge. Participates in life, rather than observers. Like me. 

My mother's skates beckoned from the edge of my closet, their white leather glittering like the snow. "You know, I met your father on the ice," she used to tell me. "I literally fell into him." 

Even alone in my apartment, my cheeks burned as I pushed my arms into my coat. My heart pounded in my ears as I yanked on my socks and boots, grabbed my plaid scarf from the back of the armchair, and pulled my red berat down over my short blonde curls. My hand froze above the skates as I caught sight of my reflection in the closet door mirror, my too-big-for-my-face blue eyes popping out from the freckles across my still rosy cheeks. 

I tried to give myself a reassuring smile and a nod. "Go on," I could hear Mama saying. "It's alright to fall." Before I could change my mind, I snatched the skates up off the floor. My apartment door slammed shut behind me as I bolted out into the hall. The music and the laughter and chatter of the crowd grew louder as I bounded down the stairs two at a time, crescendoing as I slid across the foyer just as another tenant opened the front door.

The old man jumped to the side, and I fell forward as the toe of my boot caught on the door jam. Arms windmilling, I stumbled out into the street. People looked and some smiled. A man close to me even opened his arms as if to catch me. I jerked upright, my blush creeping into my hat. 

A small cloud of frost formed in front of my face as I cleared my throat, offering my wanna be rescuer a weak thank you before scuttling passed. Skates clutched to my chest, my eyes stayed on the ground ahead of me as I made my way down to the only empty bench along the bank. Dusting the snow from the stone, I sat down, sitting Mama's skate's beside me. 

All over the ice, adults and children alike wobbled like fresh fawns on their blades while the more experienced skaters danced around them. People came and went from beneath the bridge, basking in the rows and rows of string lights hanging from it's curved underside. Their glittering lights glinted off the frosty mirror below. As uncomfortable as I was, I yearned to be beneath them. To be a part of the crowd. 

Taking a deep breath, I pulled off one of my boots, pulling on the coordinating skate before doing the same with the other. I wiggled my toes in the open space inside them. If it weren't for my boot socks, I wasn't sure they would've fit. 

Wiping my sweaty palms down my thighs, I tried to ignore the way my knees shook. "Alright, you can do this. You can do this. You can do thiiss-" Teetering on weak ankles, I pushed myself up right, hands flailing as I struggled to catch my balance. 

I was almost standing like a normal person went I heard something smack the ice. My hands flew up to cover my mouth as a boy slid face first across the glassy surface in front of me. He raised his head as he skidded to stop, his bottom lip quivering. "Are yo-," the words caught in my throat as a young man screeched to a halt beside him.