Emotional State

6. Gareth

Gareth is the legitimate son of Desmond, also known as my father. I met him three years ago after my father found me. He took me in and left me alone.

I don't hate him, but I don't love him. I don't like him, but I also don't dislike him. To me, he is just like everyone else. Just one out of many. Just someone that I saw whom I don't have any certain feelings towards. Maybe just a few impressions.

When he met me, he didn't say anything. He didn't hate me, but I can see he hated Desmond. I don't talk to him, there was never a need to. I didn't move in with them so I never had a chance to form any sort of relationship with him. Not that I wanted to. Father would certainly hate that.

Father thinks Gareth of some kind of prince, while I am nothing more than a beggar. There's quite a difference. I don't hate it though. It's better than him calling me a whore, or slut.

Beggar is better—I mean, it's the truth.

I think that Gareth is pitiful, even though his life seemed so complete on the outside. He would laugh if he heard that. I just have a feeling he would.

Gareth is different from me. He can laugh and smile. I liked his smile, so I tried to smile like him. He taught me how to smile. It's easier for me to flash a smile now, but sometimes... it's hard for me to tell if I'm smiling genuinely or if I'm just faking it.

I don't care about it anymore. I try not to smile as much, but it's already a habit. The times in which I smiled genuinely can be counted on one hand. It scares me sometimes.

I wonder if Gareth's smile was genuine. I don't know. I hope it is.

Other than his smile, I liked his appearance. He has dark eyes and hair. I hate my golden hair and eyes. He's the opposite of me. I'm dirty and he's pure. If I'm a devil then he's an angel. One day, I'd love to be an angel...

Perhaps I envy him. Yes, I think I may envy him for many things. I envy his life. His everything. Does that make me hate him?

When I meet him again, I'll answer his question. I can tell him that I envy him.