décalcomanie

3

"loneliness remained by my side. people surrounding me have changed and multiplied, but i've remained completely alone"

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"You do realise that you're only an idol now because you grew up in America?"

Chiara groaned, rubbing her aching temples in slow, precise movements like her mother used to do.

"언니(Unnie)*, I don't see how that has to do with what we're talking about right now."

(*언니 (Unnie) - Older sister (honorific, younger female to older female))

"Su-ya, you haven't answered my question." Olivia's voice was sharper than Chia's eyeliner.

"Unnie, I do realise that," Chia muttered through gritted teeth. "I get that you're saying that I'm absolutely worthless, that I'm only famous now because I'm a Korean who can speak English, that I'm up performing on a stage because my father is of mixed-blood, that I'm only in the industry because of my visuals, not my talent. I get it. But I don't see how that has to do with you wanting me to get you accepted as a trainee, especially since we have the same family, more so that people always say you're prettier than me on SNS."

"That's what people say, but that's not going to get me anywhere. I'm already too old to even be considered to be accepted as a trainee. You're the oldest in your group, and I'm five years older than you."

"Unnie, what do you want me to do? You went to auditions with me when we were younger but you gave up too soon because you were only accepted by the 'small' companies with no guarantees of success and me by the 'big' ones. (엄마) Eomma* told you it was fine, that if you really wanted to be an idol, the company didn't matter, that it would your talent that would bring you up. You just didn't listen and gave up completely on your dance lessons after rejecting the offer from a small company. I trained for more than five years before I was selected to debut, and I really worked very hard for 달라달라 (Dalla Dalla). Can't you be proud of me for once?"

(*엄마 (Eomma) - Mother)

"Proud of who? I've seen the comments online. Everyone says you're the worst dancer in your group, that you're only good for your face, and even then, your 막내 (maknae)* is the visual of the group, not you."

(*막내 (maknae) - Youngest in the group)

Chia knew Olivia was lying. She knew because her burning anxiety had pushed her to read all the comments on ITZY's debut. All of them. Even though PDnim had assured her that all rookie groups would receive negative comments at first, that her skillset as ITZY's leader, main dancer, lead vocalist and lead rapper made her one of the most promising idols in the industry, that she truly was JYP's 'hidden weapon', she couldn't help but find out about the public's reaction to ITZY. And that caused her to have a hell of a two weeks. An-anxiety-attack-almost-every-day kind of two weeks. Of course, besides the comments that ITZY were a disgrace to Korea and the strong vocals of their Sunbaes*, there were sweet comments on how ITZY was pushing the forefront to a new generation of Korean pop music, how with the help of their part-American leader, they would be able to push into the American market successfully, something that all their Sunbaes had tried to but never managed to do. They were reinventing girl crush with a fresh new concept, unparalleled dance skills and eye-catching visuals. ITZY was set up for success the moment their final line-up was confirmed, but Chia knew that she was going to be their downfall. Because she had a secret.

(*선배 (Sunbae) - Senior (honorific))

At 8 years old, Chiara Kang had her first anxiety attack. It was early evening, and her Eomma had just tucked her in, closing her bedroom door while softly singing a Korean lullaby. Chia couldn't fall asleep. Her throat started closing up. Hysterical thoughts rushed through her mind. Her Eomma had just left her. Her Eomma didn't want her anymore. Her Eomma would never come back to her again. Her Eomma would take her Unnie and 동생(dongsaeng)* and leave with her 아빠(Appa)** to go to New York, where he was shooting a movie. She'd be all alone in Santa Monica. She'd be all alone. Forever. The walls started closing in on her. She started crying, but no sound came out from her mouth because of her blocked throat. She felt suffocated. She wanted to disappear forever. She didn't know what was happening to her. She didn't want to feel like this. She wanted to have her family back. She wanted to run out of the room and hug her Eomma and never let go. She wanted to run up to her dongsaeng's crib and sing the lullaby with her Eomma to him. She wanted to dance with her Unnie, who was in her room practising for her upcoming competition. She was trapped. She couldn't get out. She wasn't good enough for her family. She would never be enough.

(*동생 (dongsaeng) - Younger brother/ sister

**아빠 (Appa) - Father)

Thankfully, her Eomma had gone back into her younger daughter's room after feeding Vincent to check that she was asleep. When greeted by her daughter sobbing quietly, curled up in a ball in the corner of the room, she realised that her worst nightmare had come true; Chia had inherited her Severe Anxiety Disorder. What ensued was years of therapy, years of consultations with child psychiatrists, years of arguments with Chia's Appa about whether to let her take anxiety medication, which he refused to let her do. Anxiety medication was a double-edged sword that Chia also refused to wield.

Chia hid her disorder from everyone she knew, and told no one when she moved to Seoul alone, a choice that her Appa strongly disapproved of and that her Eomma had no say in. Because she had passed from cancer earlier that year. The only reason she moved to Seoul instead of continuing her training in California was that she knew her Eomma would have wanted her to chase her dreams, only that Elena Kang would have never let her daughter move to Seoul alone; she would have gone with her to ensure her mental stability, something that was treacherous at the time, to say the least. Her Appa had too many work commitments in America to leave, and her Unnie didn't care about her enough to offer to go with her. Her relatives in Korea either lived in Jeonju, 3 hours away from Seoul, or refused to take in "a dream-chasing American hooligan". Chia was alone, but this time by choice.

Chia thought she'd gotten better, she thought that her hard work in training was going to pay off, that when she debuted and achieved her dreams, anxiety would be the last thing on her mind. She threw herself into her training and dieting, satisfied by everyone's awed reactions to the skills and visuals she worked late into the nights and early mornings for, that she deprived herself of comfort food for, that she distracted herself with. But she was wrong. Her anxiety had only gotten worse.

And now her jealous Unnie was making worse into Worst. Chia sighed. Now, only a few weeks past ITZY's debut, she wished that her Eomma hadn't passed away and had come to Seoul with her instead, that she had never even thought of becoming an idol, that she had just stayed in California and never left. She wanted to have Ethyn back on the phone, giggling with her about the male trainees in their companies, the correct ways to execute certain choreographies, how some of their Sunbaes were really nice and others were secretly bitches. Most of all, she missed talking to Elliott, her voice of reason, the person who'd she'd come to rely on so much when he accidentally picked up his younger twin sister's call, thinking that it was his phone, shortly after she'd moved to Seoul. But with Ethyn having her graduation ceremony in England and Elliott preparing for his own debut in China, they didn't have as much time to pick up her calls anymore. Chiara gave a dry, bitter chuckle. Her family members hadn't bothered to contact her after she moved to Seoul, just occasional bank transactions from her Appa and text messages about homework from Vincent.

The world had suddenly become so real and scary, and for the first time since she'd moved to Seoul, Chiara Kang felt like she was 8 years old and in the bedroom with the closed door again.

-

[1388 words]

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a/n:

early update because we've reached 100 reads :D

maybe y'all are surprised that I've switched out from Bangtan to ITZY all of a sudden. I think it's a nice change. The chapter is just as dark and angsty but it's refreshing to look through a different lens rather than to keep seeing the world through jk's eyes

at this point, I'm just going 'fuck homework I'm going to write'/ 'do research on Bangtan's dynamics (watching compilations)

don't be a silent reader. I would love to know your comments on my writing!!

-alysson

28/05/20:

ngl I'm not over Yuna's death in the LOVE YOURSELF Highlight Reel because she was 14 and poor child got all her lines cut. not to mention jk was 20 when they filmed it *cough* Illegirl took on a new meaning.