𝐬.𝐩. 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬

words we never said pt. 2

cordelia

tw: anorexia
note: definitely not here to romanticize. i used my own personal experience with anorexia to write this. and this is a huge comfort fic more than anything, so i hope none of you get offended by what i write!

-

It was evident that you'd gained weight. Your clothes fit tighter and your face was beginning to look fuller. In the very beginning you were fine with it, but now it started to bother you. It hurt seeing your extra small shirt bump to a small and eventually to where you could loosely fit into a medium.

Cordelia took away your scale months ago, not wanting you to have that as a trigger. And while it was tough at first, you grew to get used to it.

Really, you were doing well until one of your friends made a comment about how much healthier you looked. Cordelia was with you when it happened and noticed the broken thank you that you replied with. You avoided her gaze the rest of the time being, your mind too focused on mixing up the term 'healthy' for fat and overweight. Not minutes later you excused yourself to the bathroom, feeling the need to see your body.

After locking the door, you stood in front of the mirror. You knew Cordelia was more than likely worrying about you out there, but your mind was triggered by a comment that meant no harm.

Breathing in, you lifted your shirt to find that your ribs no longer protruded as they used to. They only showed a small amount when you sucked in. You turned and twisted, hoping to find the bones that were once there but only finding layers and layers of skin atop. You grew angry with yourself. How was it possible that you grew so large? How could you let this happen?

In the midst of your fit, you slammed your hand down on the counter. You didn't even realize you had begun crying as well. There was no way you would eat anything anymore. You needed your scale and you planned to get one again.

A knock on the door brought you back to your surroundings.

"Y/N? Are you okay?" It was Delia, always Delia with her sweet voice that made everything better. You quickly wiped your eyes and made your way back out.

She stopped you in the doorway. "What's troubling you?" You scoffed and pushed her out of the way. She was the enemy in all of this. She was the one that made you fat all over again.

The next day you woke up before Cordelia in order to buy a new scale. You quietly made your way around the house, grabbed your keys and drove to the store. Unbeknownst to you, Cordelia had woken up from your absence. She was too late to catch you, only seeing your car leave the end of the street.

Thoughts about your body swarmed your mind. Never in your life had you felt more insecure than in that very moment.

How much did you gain?

The question was gnawing at you the entire trip to the store. There was no way Cordelia could love you when you looked like this.

While buying the scale, you stopped by the medicine aisle and picked up a small bottle of laxatives. You bit your lip knowing the effects the small tablets had on your body. Deciding against the pain and cramping they came with, you shelved them.

Sighing, you paid for the scale and left. Surely Delia wouldn't be awake now, would she? Your stomach twisted at the thought.

Cordelia was nowhere in sight, so you took your chance to weigh yourself. You bolted to the bathroom and closed the door. You stripped yourself down to your bra and underwear, disgust written all over your face when you looked at yourself. You pinched the skin on your body over and over again, feeling just how much you'd gained.

Carefully, you unboxed the scale, throwing the stray trash in the cabinet of the sink. You exhaled a breath, sucked in and exhaled again. Fear riddled your mind. It was inevitable that your weight had gone up, but that didn't make it any more okay for you.

Right as you were about to step on the glass square you felt arms wrap around your waist, it was Cordelia bringing you into her chest.

"No, sweetheart, now's not the time for that." You began to wail and thrash around in her grip, hating her even more for this. "You don't understand! I have to do this. I have to know my weight. I have to know what you've done to me, Cordelia." You snarled, but she remained calm as ever.

"Shhh pretty little lady, it'll be okay. It's just a number, not your worth." She reassured. Your mood suddenly shifted from angry to sad all in a matter of seconds. She was right, and you knew she was. But this disease was screaming at you, demanding that you step on the scale.

"You shouldn't love me. I'm ugly now. I'm always bloated and I'm not small anymore. My body is healthy now. I can't-" She was quick to cut you off with her own words.

"No, no, no, you've got it all wrong sweet girl. You are so beautiful, so amazing, I'm the lucky one here."

"You can't mean that Delia-"

"Oh but I do. I mean every word I say. Now let's go have breakfast, shall we?" She took your hand in hers and guided you to the kitchen.
Cordelia didn't miss the shakiness of your body as you followed her. Today would be just like many others before, but she wouldn't have it any other way.

You sat at the table, plate in front of you with a fork to your right. Cordelia sat next to you with a hopeful smile on her face. She began eating while you sat still. This was typically how things went; she would eat and then help you eat on your own. Sometimes you believed that if you sat still enough, maybe she forget about it. But that never worked out in your favor.
When Cordelia was finished, she put her dishes in the sink and went back to you.

Propping her head on her arm, she turned and finger brushed your hair. "I think you're wonderful."

"No..."

She picked up your fork and stabbed a piece of food. "Yes." The food was by your mouth.
You turned your head away from Cordelia, tears gathering in your eyes. Food was too much today. All you needed to do was fast.
But before you could ever protest any more, Delia picked you up and sat you on her lap. Her left arm wrapped around your body while her right hand did all of the work.

If anyone else did this to you, you would've lost it - throwing the biggest tantrum you possibly could. But it was Cordelia and you knew she cared oh so deeply for you, and you hate to hurt her. Granted, there were bad days like today, but there were worse days where Delia didn't know how much longer you'd last. The beginning was much harder, you were so thin she worried her help wouldn't be enough. But here the two of you are, making it work somehow.

"I know you can do this. I believe in you, sweet girl. You just have to fight." You nodded and swallowed the food in your mouth.

"Just a few more bites and then we'll be all done baby. You're doing so well for me."
Several forkfuls from Cordelia and you were halfway through. You were a mess though, sobbing on her lap as she cradled you. You needed her more than anything in this moment, so you appreciated everything she's done for you.

"I love you, Cordelia. I'm sorry you have to deal with this."

She put her lips to your face, kissing away a stray tear. "Hush now, pretty little lady. I love you too."