i really need to stop writing during sad boi hours...
Jack's POV:
dear alex,
they say everything happens for a reason, and that maybe you don't see that reason right away. they say that so that you have hope for yourself when they don't have hope for you. yes, it happens for a reason, but not because of some special power of the universe. no, the reason is because of the choices you make.
you came into my life, and you changed me completely. the first hello led to countless more, the ones that i cherished every time. the way your eyes lit up when they connected with mine will never leave my mind. a small smile curled the side of your mouth every time you said a simple "hello."
we became friends so easily, as if we were made for each other. we liked all the same things. we could practically read each other's minds, quite a wonderful dynamic. i remember the afternoons spent in my bedroom, songwriting, singing, and strumming, notes spiraling through the warm air, piecing together to create the melodies we were proud to call our own. those were the times i felt myself falling for you more and more.
then, there were the times we'd go to high school parties together and get drunk. i remember the time i wasn't thinking straight after one of them, and, being under the influence, i broke down in front of you. you didn't walk away, but you did the opposite. you held me there until i stopped crying, but i still clung to you. you didn't complain. you laid down on your bed, me still hugging you, and we fell asleep like that.
i remember the day i told you how i felt about you. we were at your house, playing music as per usual. the life that danced in the brown depths of your eyes as you sang set my heart on fire. i cleared my throat, looked you in the eyes and said "i love you." you furrowed your brow in confusion, but recognition washed over your features soon after. i averted my eyes from yours, only to feel you tilt my chin up and connect your lips to mine. my eyes had widened in shock, and my mouth didn't move to return the kiss. you pulled back, but i quickly pressed my lips back to yours, settling into a soft, slow rhythm, relishing the warmth that spread from my rapidly beating heart through every vein and artery in my body.
every kiss onward had me feeling the same rush of warmth and safety. when you kissed me, i felt like nothing could ever go wrong in the world. kissing you was every comforting feeling in the world combined. it was like having hot chocolate by the fireplace on a snowy day, driving with the windows rolled down and the music turned up, laying in a warm bed after a long day... you name it, and that's what kissing you felt like.
without you, i wouldn't have lived nearly as long. you picked up every broken piece of me and pieced them together until i felt whole again. i'd lost myself in the tumultuous flow of life, but you found me. you gave me a purpose; you gave me a reason. you were my motivation to get better; you were my inspiration to be who i wanted to be.
i remember your promises. you promised me on a near-daily basis that you'd love me for the rest of your life. you promised me you'd never, ever fall for anyone else. you promised me i was the only thing you wanted. you promised me you'd never leave. you promised me you'd at least be my friend.
i guess that's my fault for believing you. i would have done you and myself a favor if i'd just said i didn't believe you. the problem was, i did. i so badly wanted to feel wanted, and you made me feel that way. so, i believed you when people told me i shouldn't. "nothing lasts forever" they said. i didn't believe them then, but i sure as hell believe them now.
the days started approaching where there wasn't the same energy behind your kisses, and, slowly, it turned into no kissing at all. every time i'd go in to kiss you, you'd turn your head so i'd kiss your cheek instead. i'd search those eyes that i'd fallen in love with, but they held no answers. i knew i was losing you, but my heart didn't accept it. instead, i went on pretending like nothing was wrong, like you didn't rip my heart out, like i didn't feel like throwing up due to anxiety whenever we got into the tiniest argument, like i didn't cry on a nightly basis over how i was losing the one thing truly mattered me to me.
then, the day happened where you burned the bridges. i remember my senses numbing up as you told me you couldn't do it anymore, and tears immediately welled in my eyes as my broken voice begged you to stay. you apologized, but walked away to talk to some girl. that was the first time i saw her. the one you decided you wanted over me.
i don't blame you for not wanting me. i wouldn't want me, either. as much as i wanted to hate you, i knew i couldn't ever bring myself to. there had to be something i did to cause you to walk out of my life so effortlessly. you possibly shattered every promise you'd ever made in the same exact day, yet i refused to believe i had nothing to do with your sudden leaving.
it has been a year now, and i still can't stand to see her with your arms wrapped around her. you love her, and i'll have to accept that. if my alex is happy, then i'm happy. sort of.
i've written this to let you know that i appreciate all the good times we've had together. you kept me alive, and you will always be the beat playing in my heart. now, i must go. i'm alone, and i can't carry the weight of the world by myself anymore. please don't be sad- you have her. i wish we could have at least stayed friends, but you've been smiling more lately. staying friends might have prevented that.
everything happens for a reason, right?
for the last time
~jack
