I'll Keep This Secret For You

Epilogue

As for dad's panic attacks and brain injury and that sort of stuff, he's not doing too bad. The medication seems to work for the most part. It's like he goes through phases of getting them. One time he didn't collapse or even get a headache for over a year, but then sometimes he will have two episodes in the space of a week or a steady amount spread out across a few months. Sometimes he falls over and wakes up on the couch after a few minutes, but others he wakes up days later in a hospital bed with all of us crowded around him begging for him to wake up. The scary thing is that the more time that passes, Howard seems to think more and more that one day he might not wake up from one which is why we get so worried every time it happens. We do all that we can to help him and prevent it and Howard keeps as close an eye on the trauma as he can but it just seems so unpredictable that we never really know what could happen and all he's trying to do is prepare us for the worst.

Even though dad going away on missions is super hard and we never know how long he's going to be gone for or what's going to happen - especially after everything that went down with Steve - it's all worth it in the end when he does make it home. I know that him and mum will never get tired of seeing us kids reactions each and every time.

The twins run up to him squeezing in delight and wrapping their arms around his legs in a hug so that he can't walk. Eventually he'll manage to lift them up and spin them around with a joyful expression on his face.

Theo goes leaping into his arms, almost always catching him off guard and making him stumble backwards with a grin from ear to ear as he shouts, "Dad!".

Nine times out of ten Isla will without a doubt cry when he comes home, whether he's gone less than twenty four hours or more than twenty four days. She gets so worried and is just so relieved that he is okay.

Whenever we get word that he is on his way home I can never help but wait out on the front doorstep so that I can be the first to see him and get a moment to spare a quiet hug and ask him how it went before he gets bombarded by the younger kids. No matter what I have on, whether it's an important school assignment due the next day or a date with Petra, I will put anything on hold to make sure I see dad get home safe. The way his face lights up no matter how beat up or tired he is looking is priceless.

And then he sees mum, waiting patiently in the doorway for the rest of us to get through our hello's before she does, the happiest smile she ever wears on her face. God, I hope that someday Petra will look at me with that much love because I swear that's how I feel about her. Although I'm not sure anyone could beat the love that my parents have for each other.

As I see them break apart from gazing into each other's eyes and hold hands instead as they walk back over to us, I glance down at the piece of paper Isla has in her hand that she's been trying so hard to make sure doesn't get crumpled.

"Whatcha got there Isla?" Mum asks as they come and sit in front of us on the picnic blanket.

"Ah, it's a picture I drew for you guys. I've been working on it for a while. Thought you might like to see it now though." She explains sheepishly, handing it over so that they can get a look at it.

I can see as they both hold it gently with a hand each and scan the image that judging by the slight crease to dad's brow that they register some form of familiarity, they just can't quite figure out what it is exactly. I know what it is already though.

"Remember that drawing Steve did of our family when it was just me and Isla around and we were a lot younger? And we were sitting around having a picnic?" She starts to tell them. "Well, I redrew it, only this time it's got all of us in it."

Dad's jaw drops and mum gets this kind of sad yet happy look in her eyes.

"Oh Isla." She whimpers. "This is so beautiful. You're so talented at drawing. I didn't even realise!"

"I got it from Steve. He taught me. Remember?" She shrugs.

"He would love to have seen this." Dad smiles and leans over to kiss the top of her head and then proceeds to ruffle my hair. "We're going to have to frame this when we get home. This is special."

"Imagine if you hadn't come home all those years ago Buck." Mum sighs and looks up at him. "Things would be so different."

"We wouldn't have any of this." He agrees with a nod.

"Life would be so boring." Isla chuckles as she thinks about it.

"Well, I'm glad I'm here to provide the entertainment in your life." Dad grins and leans over to hug her.

"Thanks dad." She goes along with it.

"Life would also be a lot less stressful." Mum remarks and looks at him pointedly but it's obvious she's joking.

"Hey." Dad pouts in mock offence. "You love it."

"I know I do." She sighs contently and leans into his side. "For whatever crazy reason that might be. I must really love you Bucky Barnes."

It really is hard to imagine what it would be like if dad hadn't come home from the war all those years ago. If he really had died on that fall from the train or if we never got him back from Hydra. I don't even want to think about what would have happened to him. It's weird to think that it would've just been mum, Isla and me. I have no idea what we would be doing today. But I certainly wouldn't want it to be that way.

We've been through a lot in life, our family has. But I wouldn't change a thing... except for maybe bringing Steve back if I could.

And to think, it all started with this one little secret...

Me.