where'd all the time go?
he's there. jisung can't believe his eyes. he's there and he's alive. before he can think anything else, before he can note how renjun's face is twisted up in a pain that is not physical, before he can say anything, he runs.
it's a short distance, only the room separating him. the room where everything started. where everything ended. and now, where everything's coming together. it's a short distance, but even when jisung finally wraps his arms around renjun – renjun whom he'd spent months, hell, over a year chasing after – he feels miles away.
hours away. decades away, even.
"jisung," renjun breaks the silence. jisung feels their heartbeats competing on which one can go faster, which one can be louder. his own is winning, he thinks. because they're not in sync anymore. "jisung, i need to tell you sonething."
a few more seconds, jisung thinks, closing his eyes and pulling the other even tighter. he smells like ashes and sickness, but also like renjun and with that, like home.
he doesn't realize he's said it out loud, but renjun sighs and tries to softly wind out of the younger's embrace. jisung hadn't noticed how, even if he'd been crushing renjun in the tightest hug he could muster, the older hadn't reciprocated the gesture.
"i need to tell you something." his voice is not here. he is not here. jisung steps back, tries to meet renjun's gaze. his eyes are like glossed over. like he's seen something he didn't want to see – shouldn't have seen.
jisung nods, still focussed on the older's face.
the room is warm. the room is never warm. not when jisung's alone. but now that they're together, it's like the room has a soul.
"when- when you leave," renjun starts and there's tears all of a sudden, he chokes over his words like he's unable to say them, like his body and mind both refuse to say what he's about to say.
jisung grabs his hand, a silent plea for him to continue.
"i messed up. i- i wanted to save you. from me. i thought- i don't know. you shouldn't have met me, so i tried to change the timeline and-"
"you did what?" jisung's are wide with fear, knowing what this could mean. they both know the consequences of changing something, even the smallest thing.
butterfly effect, renjun had called it.
("we should kill hitler," jisung whispers in his ear, grinning from one ear to the other and renjun rolls his eyes, smiling despite himself.
"i'm not gonna let you kill a man, even if it's hitler. also, you don't know all the people impacted by that. and i'm not talking about the jews."
jisung frowns, thinking about his next question. "do you? know it, i mean?"
renjun looks wistful for a split second, before bringing up his no-bullshit-façade once again.
"what kind of difference does it make if i do? i'm not letting you change time like that.")
"i- i'm sorry." he sounds and looks genuine but jisung's heart is now pulsating with anger and he lets go of renjun's hand.
he feels out of breath from anger and confusion and sadness. did that mean that the moment he left the room, he'd be a normal brooklyn boy again? probably tripping over a stone with his skateboard, bruise on his chin and knees? back with his father?
and, worse, away from renjun. again, he adds in his mind. away from renjun again.
"jisung, that was my original plan." the older is crying even more, eyes red and wet, full of the pain that's been surrounding him even since he arrived in the room. "-but i messed up and- and now, when you leave the room, you'll be gone."
the air gets sucker punched out of jisung's lungs all at once.
"you killed me?" his voice isn't anything more than a whisper.
renjun chokes out a sob, hurriedly shaking his head. "no! no, no, of course not. i just- i wanted to make it better. your childhood. i helped your dad escape his own father and. and it caused him not to have an alcohol problem and he still got a child, still got a boy, but with another wife, jisung. your mom- she died at 19."
oh.
"oh."
jisung will not exist anymore when he leaves the room. renjun messed with his timeline to prevent him from ever bumping into renjun that day. valentine's day 2017. the boy with the lynx eyes and the kid with the skateboard helmet.
"i'm so sorry. i'm sorry." renjun is still crying, eyes closed and shaking in his entire body. jisung doubts that that's all he's seen. wants to know how his mother died. but. but it's not real.
not until he leaves.
"i love you," jisung blurts. renjun's jaw drops, tears stopping for a second, before crying even harder.
"i love you," he repeats, more to himself now. "that's why i'm going to stay. here. i'll exist here." he points to himself, as if to prove his point. renjun's face twists in agony.
he shakes his head, only slightly. "you can't stay here forever. i can't leave you alone."
"you did once already." it comes harsher than it was intended and renjun winces. "i'll wait for you. when i'm here, i won't feel time. i won't age. it's like you're gone for a split second, even if you disappear for weeks." he smiles now, hopeful. "i'll listen to your adventures whenever you come back. i'll be here forever for you, until you're an old man."
renjun doesn't look happy. he stares at jisung like he would at a stranger.
"i am truly sorry, jisung," he then whispers, standing on the tips of his feet. presses a kiss to jisung's cheeks, the other's eyes growing in surprise.
"thank you for letting me into your world. and i'm sorry for taking it from you. i'm sorry that i am going to forget you once we leave. i'm sorry for ruining the only good thing in this- in my world. i love you too."
then, "goodbye."
nothingness is what follows.
(unedited.)
