Only to Feel This Fully [Completed]

Ch. 23: Cruel Summer

She brought the other to my hand as well and said, "Charlie, I am so, so very proud of you. I know how difficult that must have been. Your father is too, deep down, he just needs some time."

"What's going to happen now?"

"Nothing changes, I can promise you that. We both love you just the same as we did five minutes ago. I think I'd always expected this conversation, deep down, so I've been ready for it. I don't think your father has."

"You've expected this? But, you'd always make those gay jokes."

"Oh, god, Charlie, I'm so sorry I never meant anything by then. It's just...maybe joking about it would've made it go away. Seems silly now that I say it out loud, but that's the truth. I never meant to hurt you."

She got up out of her chair and came over to me, enveloping me in a hug. I remained in a sedentary position, only slightly returning the hug, still unsure about what had just unfolded.

Two days later, I was back at the bookshop. It was just Nora, Theo and I working that day, with Nora mostly in her back office, going over paperwork of some kind or another. The store was empty, so I was fiddling with one of the display tables and Theo was at the desk.

Satisfied with my work, I called over, jokingly, "how's it look?"

"The same as it did ten minutes ago," Theo replied, the first hint of that teasing voice I'd heard in ages. Oh, how I'd missed that.

"That's exactly what I was aiming for, thank you," I countered, bending for a mock bow, expecting that to be the end of our little tete-a-tete, but I was mistaken.

"Listen, Charlie, I heard you came out to your parents. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you."

Hearing those words filled me with happiness, but then I realized the implication and my mind started racing. "What? Wait, how did you hear about that?"

"How d'ya think I heard? Your mom was talking to mine, wanting some advice from an 'experienced' mom or something," he said, hardly stifling his chuckle.

"God, she's so embarrassing. She's trying, I guess, though."

"Yeah, sorry if this is overreaching, but I also heard how your dad reacted."

"Not great, I suppose, but I wasn't kicked out onto the street so I'd call it a relative success," I said, trying to sound blase to it all.

Theo's face scrunched in concern, "did you ever think that was a possibility?"

"I mean, it wasn't an impossibility. You know how things are. Dad grew up here. That thought never crossed your mind before you came out to yours?"

"No, never," Theo admitted, still working through what I'd said, "I just always thought yours were the same as mine about that kind of thing. Our home lives seemed so similar...I'd just assumed."

"Yeah, I guess it would appear to be the case. But, you've really got some great parents." Theo looked down, almost guilty, as I spoke.

That weekend, my house was unbearable. The tension in the air was suffocating. Dad hadn't said a word to me in the week outside of a few grunts when absolutely necessary. I'd heard him and mom arguing about it a few times when they thought I was asleep or wasn't around. The words were harsh on both sides. Sunday morning mass was unbearable, being sat in between the two.

I'd been intermittently texting Theo since our little detente a few days ago and had been complaining about how awkward everything had been and how excruciating mass had been. He'd mostly just been offering words of comfort and support, letting me spill my guts out and acting as a shoulder to cry on. Then, after an especially depressing paragraph-long text, he messaged "do you want to come over?" quickly followed up by the clarification "to get out of your house for a bit?"

I accepted the offer within seconds and within fifteen minutes I was changed out of church clothes and out the door, soon on the road to Theo's. I'd put on an outfit I had estimated made me look appealing but not try-hard, not wanting him to think I was reading too much into things when he had clearly delineated this was an act of friendship. I was glad I had resisted the urge to go all out when Theo opened the door in a t-shirt and basketball shorts, which fell just above the knee. He looked like he'd just rushed out of the shower, which was enough on its own.

Within minutes of entering his house, I took note of how empty it felt. I'd been half-expecting a full interrogation from Mrs. Broussard when I got there, but she was yet to be seen. Theo must have noticed me looking around because he turned his attention from browsing Netflix for a movie to watch on his TV to explain that he had the house to himself as the rest of his family was off visiting his older sister in the city.

"You weren't invited?" I teased.

"Haha, very funny, I just didn't want to spend the majority of my day off in the backseat of a car. They visit Adrienne like every other week."

"Sure, that's it, of course."

"Fuck off, dude," Theo said as he shoved me a bit. I overreacted and flopped off the couch onto the ground, making false protestations of injury.

Unexpectedly, Theo pounced on top of me. We wrestled on the ground of his living room for a few minutes, fighting for dominance. I'd gained the upper hand, pinning him down under me, until I noticed to my horror that I was getting hard. I stilled my body for just long enough that Theo saw an opening and flipped our positions with him on top of me now.

Reality paused for a moment as he looked down on me with those silver-blue eyes that I hadn't dared to look directly into since our detente, for fear of getting lost in them, as I was now. Silence prevailed, except for our heavy panting from the exertion of just moments ago. Theo was now looking back into my eyes, then down lower towards my lips.

Before I could comprehend what was happening, Theo moved down quickly. I felt his body on mine before his lips reached mine. Blood was rushing and we moved against each other like time was limited. Shirts came off within seconds, hands wandered below wastes and under the fabric. One of my hands found its natural place below his waist

Things came crashing to a screeching halt when Theo grabbed that arm and lifted it outside of his shorts. I froze, believing this to be the part where he tells me this momentary lapse in judgment was a mistake, that we should stay friends, if that, but instead "we should move this to my room." He got up off me and made his way to the staircase before looking back at me, beckoning me to follow and I was helpless to do anything but comply.