Only to Feel This Fully [Completed]

Ch. 23: Cruel Summer

As the final bell rang, concluding the last day of my sophomore year, the sound brought with it more relief than excitement, the normal emotion for a high school student at the start of summer break. I somewhat desperately hoped that the bell would take with it all my troubles from the past few months, but I knew that wouldn't be the case. Still, summer always felt a bit liberating, something about being outside the confines of the school building alleviated some of the pressures to conformity.

There wouldn't be much escape, though. Eva and Patrick still wouldn't talk to me so I mostly hung out with the football boys. I couldn't stand being around some of the hockey bros any longer than I had to after that lax game.

Some of the guys on the team were nice and all, but I largely felt out of place among them even though they were my teammates. I never got into video games like the rest of them had and talk of girls made me visibly uncomfortable. Sports was still a safe domain, but with no seasons active that was limited as well. They weren't my first choice of friend groups, but I believed the alternative to be solitude.

I'd expected another big conversation with Theo when we started working overlapping shifts at the bookshop again, but that never came. Theo mostly focused on his work and expected me to do the same, giving monosyllabic answers whenever I tried to strike up a chat. The first few weeks went by fairly fast, almost disorientingly so. The Fourth of July was fast-approaching and that had been my own self-imposed deadline to tell my parents.

The day I finally worked up the courage was a Saturday afternoon. My parents had decided to host a barbecue for the neighbors and they were all in a relatively good mood. Dad had himself a healthy amount of beer and mom was tipsy off the homemade sangria that Mrs. Long from next door brought over. I could tell from just the smell of it that the proportions were significantly skewed in favor of alcohol content.

After everyone else had left, I helped my mom clean up the backyard while dad was fiddling with the grill. It was a split-second decision, but finally, I decided to just go for it.

"Mom, you know how I've kept going to therapy even though I said I'd hate it?"

"Oh, yes, believe me, that hasn't escaped my notice. I've been meaning to say 'I told you so' for some time now," mom teased. I had to resist the urge to smile.

"Well, I've worked through a lot and," I paused for a moment, before calling dad over as well, who seemed displeased to be torn from his grill.

"What's the matter, son? Couldn't you see I was busy with the grill?" He was a simple man when it all came down to it.

"Can we all just sit down for a second? I have something I want to say to you two." The shift in my tone must have alerted them to the gravity of the situation. Mom offered a few words of encouragement and dad appeared like he was trying to decipher the situation.

"Like I was telling mom, therapy has been really helpful and I've been working through stuff and..."

"You know, Charlie, I was skeptical at first too, but your mother insisted and I'm glad it's worked out for you," dad interjected. He was never one for reading social cues.

"That's exactly it. It has been working out and what I'm about to say is a reflection of how well it's gone, how I'm actually able to say this to you," my voice began to falter as the words came out. Mom reached out for my hand, encouraging me to continue.

"I'm ga-," I said in a voice so hoarse and dry I couldn't complete the sentence, but gathered myself and then repeated, more confidently, "I'm gay."

There was a silence for a long while. They both stared blankly at me, then alternatively looked away and then towards each other. Slowly, my father got up, told my mother the party was a huge success, and then carried some of the remaining plates inside. Mom's eyes followed his movements until he disappeared inside the house and then remained on the sliding door for a few moments more, as if expecting his return. When he didn't reappear, she looked back towards me, seemingly heartbroken, still with one hand on mine.