Undress. We need to talk (Otayuri AU)

Chapter 8: Forgiveness

It's been almost a month ever since the two of them returned to their everyday lives, their usual way of living and communicating, everything was happening as if that downfall never happened, it was unreal somehow... or at least that's what it looked like. Cause really, Yuri still felt uneasy with having Otabek back like nothing happened. Of course, there was no misbehaviour after that, nothing out of the ordinary, on the contrary. His lover seemed more affectionate than ever. He would never miss one day to tell him how much he means to him, to give him a kiss on the cheek, to tell him good morning and good night, to make him feel cared for... but... was he doing all of this only out of guilt... or did he really mean that much to him...? Of course, there was really nothing he could do aside from taking his word for it... because how the hell would he be able to see through his head...? It's not like he can reas minds, so what was even the point of overthinking it...? Now that he has everything he ever wanted... then why was be still unhappy with it...? He was still doubting it... he was still doubting that it can really be ok after all this... so what was there to do...? The thoughts were floating through the russian's head, as he sat on the sofa with a mug in front of him in the safe, dim 5 a.m. light that was piercing through the transparent curtains of their loving, welcoming home, his lover still enjoying his sleep peacefully, soft, barely audible snores coming from the room they shared. As the beautiful Russian had all of these thoughts running through his mind, he noticed a certain notebook laying on the coffee table and, out of curiosity, he opened it. It seemed like some sort of journal, where he was writing down everything he couldn't say outloud, or maybe this was his way of trying to gather his thoughts and place them in some sort of order... the writing was rather neat, not what you'd expect from the toned man, it looks as if it was written by a calligraphy teacher, he honestly never knew his writing could be so beautiful. Meanwhile, all his notes were a giant mess, so he was slightly enjoying him for his elegance in writing. He turned the pages cautiously, reading through, his heart caught in his throat and his heart skipping a beat from time to time. All of those notes, every single page, every single word was meant for Yuri... Was this a joke, did he deliberately place it there to fool him...? No... that's not it... Even though the things went down back then... Otabek was not some heartless monster who would just try to kick someone while they're down... when he did what he did, he admitted he fucked up, so there was no reason for Yuri to believe he'd do such an insensitive joke to hurt him more... So after he placed his thoughts in order, he let himself get lost in Otabek's words and poetry.

"Have you ever seen an angel cry...? It's such a conflicting feeling... Or seeing green eyes cry...? God, you have no idea how terrible that is... Because I've seen Yuri cry... For way too many times now... And it pained me, it broke my heart... But aside from breaking my heart I really just felt... Guilty... Because it's a very complicated feeling. It breaks my heart watching him hurt of course, but... seeing him cry I can't help but feel... guilty... because his eyes are absolutely beautiful even when he cries... actually, if you ever seen green eyes crying, you can see how they get even brighter when they're filled with tears. And it makes me feel so bad for looking at him cry and just thinking to myself 'God... he looks like an angel even when he's crying, damn those eyes, I could get lost any time now...'. Its terrible. Needless to say, I don't deserve such a treasure in my life. I have no idea whatsoever what did I do to deserve a true angel just coming down from the sky only for me, only for a selfish bastard like me...? I love him... I really love him... which makes me wish he'd leave on his own, I know he'd be better without me... the trust, the emotional security, the confidence he once had in our relationship... I don't think I can ever give him that back... and I wish I could because he deserves all of that and more... but after everything I did, it only makes sense for him to always question everything I do and everything he does as well... it's not supposed to be like this... i wish he found someone who could fix him... someone who could restore his faith in humanity... meanwhile I'll continue being a selfish prick, because I'd lose myself if he wouldn't be next to me... God knows why the fuck he's still with me... but as the selfish motherfucker I am... I'm glad he is..."