Insides

14. What's next?

14. What’s next?

So…
what’s next?
I don’t know.
Sometimes
destiny can be a cruel cold hearted hoe.
Life’s well life’s always be a bitch
and fate
that hoe switches like the seasons.
But guess what hoe's I’m one stubborn girl.
Real stubborn.
I hate life but you know
suicide is never an option,
at least not when your heart still reaches Allah.

I’ve always been dark.
I’ve been told this.
I been told a lot of things,
things a normal person might find offensive,
but not me I guess.
I don’t know if I can handle more changes in my life.
But who cares?
I sure as hell don’t!
But that don’t matter though.
Nothing really matters though.
Its all a big charade.
All of it.
A joke.
Nothing is serious.
Feelings aren’t serious.
I can’t be serious?
That’s what you thinking right.
I can’t be serious.
No way.
Is this girl for real?
Who is she anyway?

Let me tell you this.
It. Doesn’t. Matter.
Nothing. Matters.
Got. It.
I’m sorry but not really.
Girl,
where do you see yourself in five years?
Bet you won’t guess the next sentence.
It doesn’t matter
where I am in the next five years.
I told you,
you wouldn’t have see it coming,
not until it hit you in the face.

Realisation,
that bitch feisty,
the tough kind,
the kind that will give it to you,
not the way you what it,
not the way you need it,
but just like that
as it is showing you exactly
how blind you’ve been.
How young you still are.
How much you still need to figure out.
This bitch I hate her for real.
She is cold
and she’ll knock you down
more time then you can count.
And its never enough for her.
You a failure?
Its cool though.
She’ll fix you up just to build
you back up again.
She gets like this sometimes.
You could try to get to her,
but that bitch cold and ruthless.
But she’s so god damn attractive.
I like how she calls me out on shit.
Its like she brings you flowers
and then beats the hell out of you with it.
She’s that cold hush wind
that sweeps you of your feet
and takes your breathe away.
She makes you want to live
but at the same time makes
you wish you were never born at all.

You don’t get better then
something that’s real.
It’s the honest truth.
I’m not good at being real
because I love fantasy.
I love lies,
I do.
I love it.
I lie to myself all the time.
I even consider myself a pathological lair.
I lie because it makes me feel better.
I don’t care what people think lies.
Allah’s got me,
lies.
It will all be worth it,
lies.
I’ll never leave you alone in this world,
lies.
I can lie.
I can lie a lot.
And I’m pretty good at it too.
So never believe what I say
it might change over time.

Because only Allah knows what’s next.