Insides

10. I hate myself

I’m so frustrated.
No one could understand.
Everyone just keeps telling me how I feel and what is wrong with me.

Oh you depressed.
Oh, you lonely.
OK people say I’m depressed,
But I’m just lonely.

And I feel a rush of 18 different emotions in an hour.

What a life?

What a fuckin' life?

I have to constantly defend myself against my world, against my dreams and against my reality.
Against my world because this world is so small that we tend to live in our own world.
My world is shitty.

Its always been that way and I’ve always hated it.
My dreams so typical, my heart hurts so much,
It makes falling asleep easy but staying asleep impossible.
My reality is that I hate myself.
I hate myself so much.

I don’t know it.
I don’t know why I am different from everyone else.
I can’t explain it.
I really don’t care about myself leaving it for someone else.

I only care about two things, my mom and my deen.
The only important things in my life.
I’m scared, I get scared then.
I’m scared I lose them to my sadness.

I’m scared my sadness scares them a way.
I’d not be able to live.
I’d find my way.
Please, they can never leave me.

I’m not that strong.
All this crying is making me hungry.
Being hungry is pointless,

when you never in the mood to eat.
I find myself eating because I must eat,
because its normal to eat.

I force feed myself.
I eat while thinking about how much I don’t want to eat.
I’m always asking my mom and my best friend if they ate?

What did they eat?

Was it nice?

So that I can know that they’re not feeling the way I do.
I’ve been eating my whole life for my mom and now,
To Allah I bow.