Only to Feel This Fully [Completed]

Ch. 4: The Moon is High Like Your Friends

The night sky was clear and the music from the party was muffled through the walls. It was almost peaceful. Time slipped by and it could've been minutes or hours before I was disturbed by the door to the house sliding open. Out walked a group of guys. One was taking out a joint and lighter; another of them was Theo. These were all Pine Brook hockey players. Fuck me, I thought. I moved to go back inside, but one of Theo's friends recognized me.

"Hey, man, Charlie Holloway, right?" The friend said, laughing as he did. I braced for whatever was about to happen.

"Yeah, you're on Pine Brook, right? Good game last Tuesday," I said, trying to preempt confrontation. Despite being around it my whole life, overt masculinity like this made me nervous. I noticed Theo was looking uneasy, similar to how he had in the rink lobby after the game.

"Dude, you clocked Broussard that one time. I thought he was gonna have an equalizer there," Another of his friends added. I really wish people would stop bringing that up.

"You smoke?" the first friend inquired, holding up the joint for further explanation. I knew that I shouldn't get cross if I was already this fucked up, but smoking with Theo would make my night, so I reasoned there couldn't be any harm.

The first friend, Nolan, lit up the joint, took a few puffs, then passed it to the second, Jude, who seemed way too eager for this. He took a big inhale and then immediately went into a coughing fit. The other four of us there, all sat around a table on Tate Morgan's back porch, laughed our asses off. It became obvious that this was Jude's first time smoking. Nolan said he had "virginal lungs," which made me laugh. I probably would've thought anything was funny at that point. I looked to my right as the joint passed between Jude and Theo.

It was then I realized Theo was sitting next to me and that I would be putting my lips to where his had been just seconds early once the joint was passed to me. Our fingers briefly touched as the joint passed from his possession to mine, sending a jolt up my fingers, through my arm and into my hand. Theo briskly withdrew his hand as if he had been burned by our touch. The reaction disheartened me, but my subsequent inhale quickly took that off my mind.

We continued to pass the rather large joint between this circle of five for a few minutes. A muffled version of "Truth Hurts" could be heard through the sliding doors from the house, where the party seemed to still be raging on.

"Holy shit, I hate Lizzo," Jude declared. 'Not for me,' appeared to be the general consensus among the group. I remained quiet on this sudden change in topic, as I noticed did Theo. After having a good laugh, Jude swiftly added, "but if a girl ever asks, I fucking love Lizzo." We all laughed at that, although my laugh was put-on while Theo's friends genuinely found the remark hilarious.

Someone with similar musical taste to the guys must've gotten ahold of the aux, because "Truth Hurts" was ended early in favor of "Mr. Brightside." Nolan rallied his friends and they headed in, presumably to fully experience the song.

"Jude can be a dumb shit sometimes. Lizzo fucking hits." Theo's comment drew my attention back from watching his friends leave. It hadn't registered that he had stayed put in his chair while his friends had gone it. We were alone together, for the first time in a long while. The air was brisk with a gentle breeze, but as long as I kept my hands in my pockets or on the joint I was fine. The clear night sky and the boy to my side nearly made me want to recite poetry from the romantic period, but I kept my more embarrassing inclinations in check for the moment.

"So, what do I owe the honor of being graced with the Charlie Holloway's presence twice in one week?" Theo had shifted back to that teasing tone that he employed with frequency, at least around me. I couldn't tell if that was a sign of annoyance or comfort in my presence.

"What do you mean?" I had been really taken aback by whatever insinuation he was making.

"You ditch travel hockey and become this big football star." That was most certainly not true, but I knew how he could think that. I was the only sophomore to start for St. Sebastian last season, but fullback was largely a thankless position.

"Aw, did you miss me? Didn't score as much without me screening the goalie every shift?" I retorted, trying to match his tone, but his face went from playful to downcast at my taunt. His tone had been masking a sincere sentiment and I'm an ass, I chastised myself. In an attempt to readjust, I appended my stupid comment, "I missed having you on my team, too, Theo."

That last part, using the name I'm pretty sure only I ever called him, brought his face back up and we smiled at each other. That level of candor was uncommon among our respective circles of guy friends. However, Theo and I were both what some peers' parents would call "sensitive." That much I had recognized from a young age and that gave me a tiny glimmer of hope, despite my predilection for despair in these matters.

The joint continued to pass between the two of us until it was finished. Theo extinguished it in the ashtray at the center of the table and a silence settled between us. I was never comfortable in silence, but maybe Theo was. I didn't want to break this moment as we were both staring up at the sky.

"There's a storm coming," Theo said, pointing in the direction of some clouds gathering on the horizon.

"Okay, farmer Ted," I couldn't help myself.

"Oh my fucking god, I love that movie," Theo replied and it took me a minute before I understood I had accidentally referenced Sixteen Candles.

"Wow, didn't know you were a fan of anti-Asian stereotypes."

"Well, I mean of course that and all the f-slurs aren't great, but it's still a great movie."

"I was only kidding ya. I love that movie too. Pretty sure everything made before 2010 is problematic somehow or another." I left out that my mom and I often watched that movie together for her birthday, not wanting to admit that. Our eyes met and we shared another smile. This was nirvana, I thought. Alone and cross-faded on a Friday night with the boy of my dreams, separated only by inches. This far exceeded my expectations for the night. Then, it started raining on us.