Shattered Reality

II

*Trigger warning: this chapter contains a detailed act of domestic violence.*

I laid on the couch and tossed a stress ball into the air and caught it repeatedly.
The door opened and closed.

"Sorry Jasmine, I had to take that call. So we were talking about your relationship with Armani and how he was distant during the pregnancy", she recapped.

I had been seeing Dr.Sterling since Armani's death. At first the sessions were useless as I wasn't really onboard with therapy and didn't trust her. I was forced to start therapy as I slipped into a deep depression. She was so patient and understanding. I slowly opened up to her and told her about my childhood. How my mom worked everyday and some nights just to provide for my twin brothers and I. I told her about not knowing my dad and how that affected me. I told her about one of my brothers cancer diagnosis and subsequent death at the age of 8. I was 15 at the time. I told her about my mothers toxic relationship with my brothers dad. I told her about how my other brother never seemed to get over the death of his twin and it led to a lot of bad decisions and he had spent most of his life in and out of DYS and now in prison. I told her about how things changed when my mom met her now husband and we were able to finally afford to live comfortably. We lightly touched on my volatile relationship with Armani and how it strained my relationship with my mom. I grew hatred for my mom because unlike Armani's mother, she told me to suck it up and stop upsetting him. She told me that I needed him and if I left I would have nothing. She didn't empower me but instead told me to be weak. I resented her for it.

"Yes, he was so distant. He took me to my appointments and was physically there but emotionally he was detached. He paid his cousin to stay at the house with us to cook and clean when morning sickness took me out for months. He made sure I had what I needed and gave me his credit card to get everything for the baby. At 20 weeks we found out we were having a girl. He looked disappointed. That's the only emotion I remember during the whole pregnancy. The upside is that the abuse stopped while I was pregnant. That was the only sign of caring that he showed. I also watched what I said in order to not push him."

"Was he there during the delivery?", she asked.

"Yes. He looked so nervous", I chuckled thinking about it. "I wish I knew what he had felt in that moment. He stood beside me and held my hand but it was as if that was what he thought he was supposed to do instead of actually being supportive. When I started to push was the first time I saw any general concern in his eyes. He squeezed my hand and rubbed it while keeping his eyes locked on me. He never looked down to see what was happening. When she came out they asked him if he wanted to cut the cord. He looked like he was going to be sick so they did it for him. They cleaned off this little baby and brought her to us. Oh my God, I fell in love. She was the most beautiful little human. I know everyone thinks that of their kid, but damn she was perfect. They laid her on my chest and she was so small and peaceful. I told him to pick her up. He was nervous but the nurse helped him. She put a receiving blanket on his chest and picked the baby up and placed her in his arms. Dr. Sterling, he looked down at her and I saw him melt. I saw the exact moment he fell in love with her".
I walked over to the barred window and looked out. "That look in his eyes gave me hope. It made me think that maybe this was what would change him to be warm and kind. It did but only when it came to her. Jasmani was the only person in the world who he loved more than life. I was ok with that. She deserved to see her dad in that light".

"So did having the baby stop the fighting and abuse?"

I laughed, "yeah right. You would think. Nope, it actually got worse."

August 5, 2015
Jasmani's First Birthday

The yard was decorated with a Frozen theme. Ironic as it was hot as hell that day. Armani's mother and cousin helped me get everything set up. Armani had not come home in 2 days. This was happening regularly and causing huge fights between us. I was too preoccupied this time with the party. My mother watched Jasmani as I got everything prepared.