Unfixable fixing

Chapter Thirteen

I put my phone back in my pocket and stood up, picking my water bottle as well.

"Samir.." She says almost vulnerably, i halt; "..I just wanna be here for you, by Allah i am not judging." She adds softly.

"I appreciate that." I said and start walking, it's almost 8am now, i need a warm bath.

She's following me, i know, cause i can hear her footsteps.

Why do you keep pushing her away Samir? I ask myself that, and wallah i do not think i have an answer to that.

Nihal starts walking fast, faster than me, she's in front of me now, i thought she was gonna say something but she didn't, she's walking fast to the direction of the main entrance of the hostel.

"It happened this time of the year three years ago." I find myself saying, she stops and turn around her lips turning upward.

Of course she used the reverse psychology on me again, why do i always fall for it?

I walk towards her, standing three feet away; "Three days ago was the exact date, and i can't help the emotions i felt, it happened so quick wallahi, i feel like it's my fault, heck i don't feel, it is my fault, i shouldn't have gone to the porch, i shouldn't have diverted their attention, i should have run when it happened, but no, i cowardly stood rooted and watch everything enclose, i felt helpless Norah, i should have done something but i didn't..." a tear cascade down my cheek, i wipe it.

"..he looked at me with so much hope but damnit i let him down for the millionth time, i was their only hope at that moment but Ya Allah! I couldn't do anything to them except watch them from afar, sh-she called my n-name but—" This is hard.

I look up at the sky, placing both my palms on my face.

"It's okay." Nihal said, rubbing my arm.

I take a step back: "It's not."

She takes a step towards me; "Yes it is Samir, i don't know what you're talking abo—"

"Exactly, you don't know, so don't ever say it's okay." She place her hands on top of mine, intertwining our fingers, her hands are surprisingly cold.

"I don't know and i can't relate but Samir you of all people should know that everything happens for a reason, i know it's hard but Allah is with you, you've survived it for three years now, why is it hitting you hard now?" She caress my hand with her thumb.

I close my eyes, she's just like everybody, she can't relate and she wants me to be strong and let it go.

It's not easy.

"It's not easy Nihal, Lord knows i tried but it's not in my control." I sigh, my voice barely above a whisper.

"I know you tried, but you can try harder, you can do it, i know you can." She says tightening her hold on my hand.

"I cannot, you don't kn—" she cut me off by coming closer to me, so close, she's invading my personal space.

"Yes i do, please do it for me." She says with crack voice, and i finding myself staring at her, her eyes are filled with tears, she's crying for me.

She's crying with me.

I wipe her dry cheeks with my thumb; "I can't promise you that, I'm gonna let you down just like i let everyone down." I said, removing my hand from her grasp.

"Give it a tr.."

"I won't. Leave me alone." I almost yell at her and i walk to my room.

What was i thinking?

Why on earth will i tell her that?

Goodness, i am so stupid.

She doesn't know the entire story.

It doesn't matter, she still knows something.

I open the door to our room and my roommate is standing by the window, he probably seen everything, just great.

He walk towards me and envelope me in a hug, i hugged him back, seems like i needed it.

He pats my back; "I'm proud of you." He says and pulled away.

I wipe my tears: "I miss them Arman." I said, sitting down on my bed.

"They do you more wallahi." He said, "how can you be so sure?" I ask him, i genuinely wanna know the answer.

"I just know, and you do too deep down, you just don't wanna accept it, because you still blame yourself."

I shake my head at him; "You don't understand, they looked at me with hopeful eyes."

"Okay now what? Don't you know that everything was pre destined? Are you questioning your Lord? Even if you went there it wouldn't make any difference, and it's not your fault, jeez!" Arman says sounding annoyed.

"My dad is coming." I tell him.

He smiled; "Oh i can't wait to meet the mentor." He says and i smiled a small smile as well.

I can't wait either.

Allah, you know i am not questioning Your decisions, far from that The Almighty, forgive me if it comes out like that.

*****

Goodness, I know, i am sorry😢

I've been having writers block wallahi, i know the chapter is boring, please bare with me😒❤️

I'm in lawv with samir😭

Sorry please. How are y'all?

Alhamdulillah.

Malika🤩