Jordans Journey

Bad Guy -Billie Ellish

It took me 10 minutes to respond to what Ms.Lewis just said to me. I thought it was a dream, the entire conversation. I was starting to think that I made it up so I need more than counseling at this point I need to be in an asylum. Theres just no way, this woman that I've been avoiding for 2 almost 3 months could be my ticket out? Is that why Kayla and Paris wanted me to come so bad? Now I feel like a horrible person because they really were just looking out for me. My mind and my thoughts continue to race and Ms.Lewis attempts to bring me back to reality.

"Jordan?"
I nodd my head still unable to speak.
"I need your consent to move forward with the case"
"Ms.Lewis with all due respect I just don't believe it"
Ms.Lewis looked shocked but she wasn't moved.
"And what is it exactly that you don't believe?"
"I don't believe anything you are saying, about trying to help me get out, your apology, your occupations, I just don't believe it"
"Okay Jordan lets work this through what do you need me—-
"You know what I actually don't need you to do anything I came to another therapy session because thats what my friends wanted and they pressed it for so long I figured why not give it a try, but now I'm here and I feel crazier than when I came"
"But Jordan—
"No Ms.Lewis thank you so much for trying to be a light at the end of the tunnel but I have another 16 months left in here and I'm not trying to hurt myself over false hope" I say as I get up from my seat.
"Jordan please take a seat and think about this I can prove everything just give me a second"
"That won't be necessary Ms.Lewis it was nice seeing you again" I turn to leave and spot my monologue on one of her book shelfs standing as if it were a book of its own.
"I was looking all over for this you know, I froze infront of the entire class just because I didn't have it can I have it back?"
"Yes I kept it here in the hopes that you would come and pick it up. But tell me more about this freezing infront of the class"
"It was nothing" I say as I take the monologue and open the door
"Bye Ms.Lewis"
"By Jorda" I close the door before she can finish my name and with each step away from her office I try to erase the thoughts she put in my head.

I go right into my acting class where at least it is clear if something is reality or fantasy. We're currently working on The Motherf**ker with the Hat and Veronica has to be one of my favorite characters alongside Sara from Stop Kiss. I get in the zone and immediately forget about everything that happened this morning. I leave acting feeling refreshed and renewed and I am inspired to write. I go to poetry class and right 3 poems back to back to back. I have this burst of happiness and energy and I take it back to my cell before winding down with the book The Mothers when Paris comes in she finds me laughing at the book.

"Someone is in a great mood" she questions
"Yeah someone is" I respond.
"I wish that someone was me"
"Whats wrong" I ask her turning away from the book.
"I don't know I just hate that I am so emotionally invested in everything and everyone. I feel everything in my heart and its not good."
"What do you mean?"
"Like today I went to counseling at my usual time but Ms.Lewis was busy, then I came back another time and she saw me but she was clearly distracted and seemed off. Its like she had just received bad news. I kept having to repeat myself she wasn't actively listening and adding like her normal self"
I roll my eyes at the sound of Ms.Lewis' name and go back to reading my book.

"You know something don't you" Paris questions me
"I don't" I respond plainly
"But you doo"
"Okay Paris"
"Jordan can you stop lying to me this is the second time you've lied for no reason"
"Lied??" I inquire, but before she can respond Kayla comes in.

Kayla goes straight on her bed and doesn't say anything to the rest of us. Paris and I both look at each other not sure if we should give her space or try to intervene. In this moment I love how connected Paris and I are because we look at each other and mentally decide to give it a few more minutes before we make a move. Two minutes felt like 30 minutes, the silence in the room was crippling. I start to get up from my bed and I hear a high pitch screech muffled by the bed. Both Paris and I look to each other confused. We move towards Kaylas bed which is on the top bunk and wait for her to look up. It takes her about 5 minutes and shes facing up smiling  from ear and ear. Paris and I are even more confused than before.

"So are you gonna speak?" I finally ask
"I am speechless" Kayla says
"I'm so confused right now" Paris adds
There is silence and we're all just staring at each other.
"Omg I hate waiting" I interject
"Okay okay okay" Kayla says
"I—-
"You???" Paris and I say in unison
"I——
"I cant say it" she turns around face down on the bed again.
"Omg Kayla you know I have to go soon"
"I had sex"
Paris and I both scream in amusement and start rambling asking so many questions at once.
"Okay okay relaxxxx" she says laughing
"With whoooo" Paris asks giddy with excitement
"Guess" Kayla says
"Kayla stop" I say almost a little too harshly
"Okayyy okayyy finee" Kayla says
"Johnson" she finally says
"Johnson??" Paris and I look at each other confused I don't remember any Johnson in our cell.
"Wait don't tell me its Johnson Johnson" Paris says
"Who's Johnson" I ask still confused
"Ms.Johnson the guard?" Paris
"Mrs.Johnson the guard" Kayla corrects

Both Paris and I's mouth drop to the floor.