Jordans Journey

You Dont Know My Name -Alicia Keys

For two days I didn't leave my bed. I replay every word of Kaylas speech in my head unable to get a grasp of its meaning. Its the morning and I hear Kayla doing her morning routine. I guess her anger or hatred towards me has overpowered her desire to cry every morning. I turn to the side to mask the sound of her moving around when I hear her call me.
"Jordan" I don't flinch and I hear her call me again
"Jordan". I still don't move.
"You know I don't like repeating myself Jordan".
I turn around to face her.
"You look terrible" she says.
I blink.
"You smell terrible too"
I blink again.
She sighed "Are you positive that you don't remember anything that happened and you didn't mean to almost kill Jennifer even though I don't even like her so I don't know why I care"
I still have nothing to say so she hugs me and I begin to cry. I don't understand why I'm crying Kayla isn't the closest person to me and I am generally not an emotional person. Solitary changed me. She breaks the hug but after looking into my eyes she hugs me tighter. She asks if I want breakfast but I shake my head no and instead point to a new book she has Educated by Tara Westover. She hands it to me before heading out.

Two chapters in a guard comes to the cell.
"Out Inmate" I just noticed they never say our names here.
"Out?" I ask confused.
"You have a visitor"
"Visitor?" I get up and immediately feel self conscious about my appearance and smell so I lay back down.
"No thanks"
The guard doesn't hesitate before leaving immediately. I go back to reading and I am inspired by the lack of formal education Tara received. I recall all the new programs Kayla mentioned and I try to muster up the strength to go. I get out of bed again to be greeted by musty smell and I decide to take a shower. I return to the cell grateful for commissary soap which allows me to smell like vanilla and honey. I'm so grateful to be showering I tone out all of the noise happening around me submerging myself in the water.

When I get back in my cell I feel a huge weight on my chest. I decide to lay down and convince myself that none of the programs are worth my time anyway. I go back to reading, but Tara's entire memoir is about wanting to be educated and I feel ungrateful sitting in this cell wasting the little opportunity we have. I decide to find the recreational programs. I look into every classroom and the teachers look overwhelmed. It is clear they didn't anticipate this much interest and they are overwhelmed. I turn to go back into my cell and I bump into a woman. Shes tall, and has the type of dark skin that is rich all over, and shes basically wearing all black, black pants navy blue blouse black cardigan and her big afro makes her stand out even more. I scan her face looking for disgust and hatred which all the faculty seems to have here and instead she greets me with a smile. I am shocked and it causes I subconsciously physically take a step back.

"I'm sorry" I explain.
"No no, you're fine I just wasn't looking where I was going"  She says with a smile. I turn to keep walking but she stops me.
"Can I help you with anything? What were you looking for"
"Umm Nothing its fine"
"No don't say that if you came all this way you must have some interest in at least one of our programs why don't you let me help you"
"No its okay" I turn again to walk away,
"Let me help you" she insists. I still don't turn around hesitant and contemplating whether this whole thing was a mistake. 
"Jordan is it?" I turn around wondering how she knows my name.
"Yeah?"
"I heard about you" I turn right back around assuming shes talking about the fight and I don't want to be reminded.
"I saw that you are top of all your academic classes here and every teacher raves about you". After everything that happened, I forgot about all the things I was doing here before. Its as if everything pre blackout was a blur and in this instance all of those events flashed before my eyes. I must've been day dreaming for longer than I though because the woman snapped me out.
"Jordan?"
"Yeah" I respond barely uttering a sound.
"Let me show you to one of our programs that isn't at capacity yet I promise you wont regret it." I hesitate still and she reaches out her hand. I don't take it but I allow her to lead the way.

The woman who's name I learned is Ms.Lewis led me into her office. It was decorated with inspirational quotes, pictures of powerful women, Africa inspired decore and everything was a shade of purple. She later explained that purple was her favorite color because it was the color of royalty and nobility and she considered herself a queen. I sat in the comfortable chair as she explains a special program that is more individualized and focuses on growth and healing.
"Have you ever considered going to counseling" she asked.
"Nope".
"Why not"
"It wouldn't work for me"
"Could you elaborate on that a bit"
"I just feel like I cant relate with anyone, I hate talking about my problems especially to people I dont know or people I feel like cant relate and I've never seen a black female counselor so how we gon relate"
"Thats not true"
"What do you mean thats not true how can you tell me my experience"
"You're looking at a black female counselor right now"
"So this is the program you want me to look into? Counseling?"
"Yes I think everyone should" I stop her.
"I'll pass, thank you though" I say as I stand up reaching for the door.
"Jordan please just one session, one session and if you hate it you never have to come back"
"One session?"
"One session".

I sit back in the chair and listen to her describe a little bit about how this process goes. She then asks me to describe my childhood.
"Theres nothing to describe" I say.
"Tell me about your family dynamic"
"Nothing to tell my family is different and dysfunctional just like anybody's family"
"How many siblings do you have?"
"None"
"Hows your relationship with your mom"
"Fine"
"Relationship with dad"
"Fine"
"Jordan this cant work if you don't give me anything to work with"
"Theres nothing to work through Ms.Lewis this is a waste of time Im going to go back to reading" I start to stand up but her voice stops me again.
"Your body language when answering all if those questions indicated you were lying. You focused too much making direct eye contact in an effort to try to convince me you were telling the truth. But you fidget with your hands every-time you are uncomfortable, you did the same thing when I first stopped you in the hallway but when you sat down in the chair you relaxed. Most people with healthy family relations jump at the opportunity to talk about family, ready to brag about how their mom is their hero and their dad does a cool job. You were neutral to everything which is consistent with your hesitancy towards me. You are distrusting of authoritative figures because the foundational authoritative figures in your life haven't been trust worthy. I could tell you were trying to read me to get a grasp on who I was, that lets me know that you often rely on your instinct and gut, which means you were forced to make a lot of decisions on your own at an early age. Sometimes it backfired and you were blamed for it so it made you extra weary and cautious. This coupled with your distrusting of adults and your refusal to touch my hand when I offered it, lets me know you may have had some instances of trauma, whether thats violence in the household, sexual violence, or both. Still you are extremely smart but not self reflective which tells me you have disassociated from anything that may have affected you and when I tell you all this information you will deny it saying you are fine in an attempt to even convince yourself." 

Without responding I get up and leave the office making sure to slam the door behind me.