Delirium

.twenty four

"I had a nightmare."

On the nightstand a clock flashed 3:15 in bold green letters, darkness surrounding the room and the single sentence breaking through the silence. Fourteen year old Cyan stood on the side of his Carter's bed, watching as the older male sat up and rubbed at his eyes. He was bothering him, Cyan knew he was, and yet Carter only pulled back his blanket like he always did and motioned for Cyan to climb in. It didn't take long for the male to do just that.

And for a while there was silence as Cyan rested against Carter's chest, trying to match his breathing to that of his brother's. There was a small relief of not being alone anymore, a relief that was short lived until Carter asked the inevitable question of what his dream was.

"I was drowning."

"Drowning?" Carter confirmed as Cyan nodded his head.

"Drowning. My lungs were filled with something but it wasn't water. It felt thicker. Thicker than blood even and I was choking trying to get oxygen but it just made it worse. Carter, I couldn't die. I couldn't pass out. I was just in pain for what seemed like forever."

Cyan bit his lip, closing his eyes. He swallowed. "And it was like a void. There was nothing but it felt as if someone was watching me and there was such a heavy feeling of anxiety pushing onto my mind. There was no voice but it was as if the air was telling me something. It was as if it was telling me that my death was inevitable. That it was going to be drawn out and painful and would feel neverending. As if it would feel like I'm drowning forever."

Carter was quiet for a moment before his fingers came across Cyan's face and wiped away the tears that had unknowingly escaped from his eyes. "But you're not dying Cyan. You're here and you're alive and your heart is beating and you're breathing. Cyan it was a nightmare and that's it."

"But what if I do die. Carter I don't want to die."

"No one wants to die Cyan. It's the only thing that we know nothing about what happens afterwards and the only thing we can't fix if we don't like what happens. You're not scared of dying, you're scared of the unknown."

"Carter, what do I do?"

This time, Carter just shrugged his shoulder, holding Cyan closer to him and sighing. "You live your life the best you can. Make mistakes and learn from them. Live without regrets. Find happiness Cyan because in the end, we won't be able to turn back time so live your life the best you can until it comes to an end. Maybe then, you can be content with facing the unknown."

"And if I feel like I'm drowning? What do I do about that?"

Cyan stared at Carter confused as the older male started to tiredly chuckle, placing a kiss on the top of Cyan's dark hair.

"You learn to swim and find a way to save yourself Cyan. Learn to swim."

~

January 2nd

I had a nightmare last night for the first time in a while. Elliot was there and as much as I love him, I couldn't bring myself to wake him up and confide in his about it. Instead, I had locked myself in the bathroom and shot up until I passed out.

I wish Carter had been there.

-Cyan

~

There was certain things Cyan kept to himself growing up in the foster system, things that he didn't even confide in Carter. One, he didn't talk about the incident with James and his mom, not even mentioning the latter unless needed. He didn't want to talk about his mom because, frankly, he never knew what had happened to her and he didnt want to know. It scared him.