Delirium

.thirty two

Cyan almost broke down again when Elliot came into his room later that night.

"Cyan you fucking idiot."

But he didn't cry, Instead, he laughed weakly as Elliot wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him close to his chest.

"You sound like Carter."

"Maybe because Carter is rational."

"Not all the time."

Silence passed between them as Cyan balled Elliot's shirt in his fist. He wanted nothing more but to stay like this until he fell asleep and wake up to Elliot by his side the next morning but he had heard what Elliot had told him at the lake.

Baby, it's too late.

And Cyan didn't want the word to mean what he thought it meant. He didn't want Elliot to go to prison because Cyan knew he wouldn't be able to live without the man in his life. Elliot had been one of the only things keeping him alive and that obviously didn't turn out very well when he was gone.

"You'll be fine Cyan," Elliot suddenly whispered, as if reading Cyan's mind and continued on before Cyan could get a word in. "Not immediately, I realize that, but in the end you'll be fine. You have so much more to live for than me and dr-"

"I don't..." Cyan interrupted, uncurling his hands from Elliot's shirt and pulling away to look at him. "I have nothing to live for if you leave. Y-you promised Eli. You said that you'd come back and get me and that we'd go home and go back to the way things were. You promised." Cyan could feel the threat of tears but he was so sick and tired of crying all the time, so he held them back and bit the inside of his cheek until it bled while watching as Elliot glanced over at the closed door. He didn't say anything and the silence made Cyan continue on.

"Is this because there are bad people after you because I'm used to it Elliot. I can handle moving city to city and watching my back and being in danger. I can han-"

"Cyan."

"-dle hiding out and I can keep a gun on me at all times. I don't care if I have blood on my hands Elliot, whatever it takes to just stay with you. You're better than all of them, you'll figure ou-"

"Cyan it's not me!" Elliot snapped, causing Cyan to go quiet. He ran a hand through his hair and the dark eyes that made eye contact with Cyan held nothing but seriousness. "It's you they're after. Who Angelo is after."

"Your family's rival?" Cyan asked in a whisper, but not receiving any acknowledgment. Instead, Elliot stood up from the bed and ran both hands in his hair once again.

"I can't risk having your life on the line Cyan, especially with a man like him. Once I'm out of the picture, rather through death or imprisonment, you'll be safe. You're no threat to them so they won't come after you. I was prepared to die so imprisonment is nothing."

"To you but I need you!" And the mixed emotions from Elliot's words ran through Cyan, anger seemingly more predominant in that second. "I don't care if my life is on the line, I want you!"

"Well I do care. This isn't up for discussion Cyan, I've made my mind up."

Cyan was shaking. Rather it was from anger, fear, or the start of a meltdown, he didn't know but he couldn't stop the trembling that ran through his body. Because Cyan already knew that he couldn't handle not having Elliot. Elliot had so much faith in him getting better but he was lying to himself.

"I'll kill myself."

Elliot sighed and walked back over to the bed. "Cyan-"

"And if someone stops me I'll try again and again and again. Only you care about my life being on the line Elliot. Not me."