No Homo

05

I sluggishly walk down the hallway, gripping the straps of my backpack tightly. Today's supposed to be my first tutor session with Liam. I'd like to say I'm excited, but in all honesty, I really don't wanna go. That's probably why I'm running thirty minutes late. 

I finally reach the glass doors of the library, instantly seeing a small, black-haired boy sitting at a small, wooden table. He wore light washed ripped jeans that were cuffed at the bottom. His slim frame was covered by a simple, baggy black shirt with a blue and white windbreaker over it. Everything seemed to be too big for his small body, but he still made it work. I looked down at the dirty converse he wore along with some plain white socks. He looked good as always. 

I lightly pushed on one of the glass doors and entered the quiet library. Liam's head quickly popped up and I shot him a quick smile as our eyes met. My eyebrows scrunched together as I watched him roll his pretty gray eyes before looking back down to the book he was reading. 

I swiftly walked over to where he sat and plopped down in a seat next to him. He didn't bother to look up from his book again, which made me clear my throat to gain his attention.

 I feel awkward. Ive never felt awkward before, normally people are more than happy to talk to me. It's safe to say I don't like this feeling, in fact I hate it. 

"You know, chemists do it on the table periodically," I said with a small grin, trying to make him laugh. His eyes shot up from his book and he couldn't hold back the small smirk that filled his face. 

"Not funny." He said with a small laugh as he closed his book and reached down to his bag. He pulled out a big binder full of papers and softly placed it in front of me. I looked down at the binder and back up to him with a blank stare. 

"That's not mine," I stated, looking directly into his gray eyes. 

"It is now." He replied with a smirk, not breaking our eye contact.

"No." I quickly pushed the binder away and crossed my arms over my chest. 

"Yup" He said with a small voice, popping the 'p'. He slowly slid the binder back in my direction and I let out a small groan. "It's your tutoring worksheets for the rest of the year. I planned it all out last night, and if we follow this daily then you will easily pass chem." Instantly my face filled with concern and confusion. 

"We're meeting daily? Can't do that, Lee. I have baseball practice, oh, and a life. I was thinking this tutoring thing would be more of a once a month type of thing." I said bluntly, placing my hands behind my head. His face scrunched together at my remark and I couldn't help but laugh. 

"My names Liam, not Lee."

"Okay...Lee" I smiled smugly, holding back my laugh at his disgusted reaction. He let out a soft groan and rolled his eyes. 

"Whatever, let's just get this over with. I have work after this," Liam complained and let out a hard breath. 

~

"That actually wasn't that bad! I feel like I'm really understanding this, maybe we could take the rest of the week off?" I asked hopefully, playfully punching his arm as we walked down the hall together. I watched as he bit his soft bottom lip slightly and his cheeks turned a light shade of pink.

"Jackson, our lesson today was a review of sixth-grade biology. And you still had trouble with it." His cheeks turned a deeper red as he let out a loud, but extremely cute laugh. I couldn't help the smile that he brought to my lips. 

Honestly, I don't care about the embarrassment I should be feeling right now, because the way he laughs and smiles just makes me feel happy. I can't understand how a boy who I have never noticed before could be so enticing. How someone I just met could make my heart skip and my mind race. 

"Uh...Jackson, could you maybe stop staring at me." He awkwardly laughed and gripped the straps of his backpack. My head quickly turned away and looked at the ground as I felt my face heat up. 

We continued walking in silence until we reached the front door. The silence wasn't awkward like I anticipated, but was rather calming and peaceful. It was nice just having him in my presence. 

I opened the front door of the school and let Liam exit before following his actions. I took in a small breath of the fresh air as a cold breeze hit my face. I fucking love fall weather. 

"Thanks." He stated as he shot me a small smile, having to tilt his head up to see my face. I let out a small laugh and I suddenly felt the urge to ruffle his hair. It looked so soft, fluffy and perfect, like the rest of him. 

"Nah, I'm the one who needs to be thanking you," I replied, fulfilling my desires and ruffling his soft, black hair. His eyes squinted a bit and his nose scrunched up, causing small wrinkles in his otherwise perfect, soft skin. 

I let out a small laugh as he rolled his eyes and turned on his heel, walking away. 

"Bye Lee!" I called out causing him to stick up his dainty middle finger and continue to walk away.

Im not gay, but I couldn't help but look at his small, cute figure leave. I want him and I don't know why. I should want girls. Pretty, sexy, slutty, bimbo girls who will throw themselves at me. Instead my dumbass is getting closer and closer to a male. A small, cute, adorable teenage boy who warms my heart after only knowing him for a few days. 

What the hell is going on with me? My hands began to shake and I quickly stuck my hand into my pocket pulling out a cigarette pack and a lighter. I opened the cigarette packet and grabbed one, quickly lighting it. I sighed as I felt relief fill my body. 

~ 

I quickly opened my bedroom door and threw my backpack on the ground. I roughly sat myself down in my rolly chair in front of my wooden desk. Quickly I opened my mac book and my fingers rapidly typed as if my life depended on it. As the page loaded I quickly clicked on the site that has been my best friend for the last five years. But this time it was different. I went to the categories section and hesitantly hovered over the gay link. 

This will tell me if I'm truly gay, right? If I like it, then it's true. If I hate it, then I can reassure myself that I'm still my normal self.

I clicked the link before my mind could change and I swiftly clicked the first video in the recommended. 

The video started as any normal porn, just with two guys. When the video finally turned sexual, I felt my heart rate pick up and I couldn't help but squirm. 

I tried. I tried really hard to enjoy it, but I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. I quickly closed all my tabs and roughly shut the computer. 

I let out a hard breath. My attraction to Liam must be nothing more than admiration. 

Im not gay.