Oliver Ausman Lives Again

twenty six

The three of us sit on a wooden bench towards the middle of the pier, me between Charlie and Kat. We look out at the water, where the sun has started to show itself. Charlie nudges me in the side with his elbow and I look over-- he smiles, wiggles his eyebrows, and hops off his seat, walking up to the railing. 

With so much free space to my left now, I feel like I should scoot over to give Kat more room. Obviously, that isn't the type of reaction Charlie was hoping for, and as her shoulder presses up against mine, I decide I'd really rather stay right where I am. 

I fidget with my hands, failing to focus on anything other than how close we are. The butterflies are back, big time. I'm not sure they've actually ever left since Kat joined us. I risk a glance at her-- bad idea. She sees and meets my gaze, catching the fact that I'm looking at her instead of the sunrise.

She smiles, which is enough to get my heart racing even more, then looks back out at the sky, not seeming to mind my lingering stare. I keep my eyes on her for a second more, wanting to remember her like this, drenched in the soft colors of the sky, hair tousled from the breeze coming off the lake. I avert my gaze back to the water, which sparkles at the crest of each small wave.

Underneath all my feelings for Kat, there's something else that I'm just as unfamiliar with. I like this feeling-- it's warm, it's content, it's safe. I feel calm. Like all that matters is right in front of me.

"I'm not used to stuff like this," I say. The sun is halfway up now. I shiver, hoping it'll warm up soon.

"Stuff like...?" Kat's voice is curious as she trails off, waiting for me to finish.

"Sitting." I laugh, knowing how absurd that must sound. "Relaxing. Taking the time to do something as simple as watching the world."

I can feel Kat looking at me and gather the courage to meet her eyes. Her head is tilted, brow slightly furrowed.

I shrug and my shoulder brushes hers. I try to ignore the heat making its way to my face. "At home it's always something, you know? Schoolwork, planning for college, trying to figure out my future and make plans. Then there's the act I have to put on whenever my Mom's friends come over, or Peter has his business partners over for dinner, or they both want me to go to some sort of fundraiser or event or whatever. Between all that, it's like I never get to just be."

She nods and averts her eyes to the worn wood of the pier.

"I guess that's part of why I did what I did," I admit. 

Her gaze snaps back up to mine. My words have widdled her carefree expression down to concern, and I'm sorry for it. But I can't seem to stop myself from continuing-- the floodgates of honesty have finally been opened, and I don't know how to close them.

"Just... the pressure. So much pressure to be this picture-perfect son-- but I never asked for that! And I kept telling myself that it shouldn't have mattered, that I was supposed to be thankful. I mean, I was born with every opportunity right at my fingertips. But that... that's the problem. If I don't pick something, then to them, I'm nothing. If I don't become somebody, then I'm nobody."

I look down at my hands. One of my jacket sleeves is pulled back just enough that I can see the tops of my scars, too permanent to ever let me forget what I did. Maybe I'm not supposed to. 

"I died. For forty-seven seconds I was dead and for some reason, I got the chance to live again. I..." I shake my head, trying to sort out my thoughts. "I don't want to waste it by pretending to care about that stuff anymore."

I look back at Kat. She's watching me with damp eyes, and I want to tell her not to cry. For the first time in my life, I think I understand what matters to me. "I'm happy."

"You are?" she asks, voice gentle, gaze hopeful.

I nod. "I am. And from now on, that's what's important to me-- just trying to keep this feeling around as much as I can. Might not be so easy when I'm back in Virginia, but... for now," I take it all in, looking at the beach, Charlie's blonde hair blowing in the wind, and back to the girl at my side, "I'm here and I'm happy."

Kat smiles and so do I, because it feels like the vice around my heart has finally started to unravel. The admission is the ultimate relief. It's the first time I've told anyone the truth, including myself.

"I'm glad to hear it." Kat's eyes stay on me, gentle and caring, and I have to admit it to myself: Charlie was right. If the way I feel right now is any indication, I'm pretty sure falling in love doesn't have a time requirement-- when it happens, it happens. And God, is it happening.

"And trust me, Oliver," she adds, pausing for a second as she looks out at the sunrise, which has passed us by. Just when I think I couldn't possibly like her more, she finishes her thought. "You're definitely somebody."