The Fear Of Faith [2]

37. Bethan

'Anyway,' she said, turning off the TV and climbing under her covers. 'I have a full day of classes tomorrow so goodnight.'

'Yeah, night,' I said, placing my mug to the side table as Penny turned out her night light. I moved deeper under the covers and closed my eyes.

I knew that I loved Cal deeply but I had already accepted that things were going to stay over. After what Penny had said, now I was wondering if I had only done that because she was right; had I become stuck in this place just because I'd made all these changes? Did I feel like I couldn't go back because I'd told everybody it was over and felt like an idiot if I did? Did I want to go back to him? My heart ached at the very thought and I tried to focus my mind on going to sleep so that I didn't have to think about it for the rest of the night and be kept up until morning.

The next day, I woke up with a really bad headache from getting no sleep. Everything Penny had said had just totally messed with my head and I'd struggled to stay asleep. I turned off my alarm when it sounded and turned back over, hearing Penny getting ready for college and staying hidden under my covers. She obviously realised I'd decided to skip college because she didn't try to wake me and left right away.

I stayed in bed for hours then forced myself to get up and get dressed, heading out for the subway and to the mall. I got started looking for a dress and decided on a maroon skater dress before purchasing some shoes and a new purse to go with it.

After that, I headed for a Frappuccino from Starbucks, taking a slow stroll through the mall before I headed back for the subway.

As I walked, I daydreamed about whether or not I was going to give Cal the gift I'd bought him, imagining the different scenarios that would happen if I did decide to turn up and give it to him. Would he reject it and give it back? Would he hug me and say a polite thank you? Would he grab me and kiss me and ask me to stay with him for Christmas? I had no idea how it would go as Cal was very unpredictable right now. He had switched moods a lot lately and after the phone call when I was drunk last week, I hadn't heard from him at all. Even during that phone call, I remembered that he sounded fine, like he wasn't upset anymore.

Pacing through the lower level of the mall, heading for the exit, I spotted a beautiful cashmere scarf on a stand at the entrance to a store. I hurried over to see it, immediately noticing the price tag and letting go, snorting softly to myself as I realised I couldn't afford it after all the money I'd spent on gifts. I turned to leave the store, glancing up as I moved and spotting two people strolling through the store together, the girl studying the clothing and the guy hovering behind her. He immediately caught my eye and frowned before his face dropped and he turned his back on me.

'Holy shit,' I whispered, as I studied the tiny, dark red-haired girl, holding up a dress and showing it to him. He nodded awkwardly and kept his eyes ahead. I watched as she slapped him on the chest playfully for not paying attention to her and giggled childishly.

Felix stood still for a moment and eventually, allowed his head to slowly turn and caught my eye once again. He shut them slowly and I scoffed, turning and walking out of the store. What a fucking asshole. He had obviously been cheating on his girlfriend that night. I'd felt guilty about the kiss and I wasn't even with Cal but this guy was clearly a complete player.

I left the mall quickly, going for the subway and heading home to my dorm room where I put away my new dress and accessories and got back into my sweats, climbing into bed. I couldn't be thinking about Felix and his girlfriend right now, I didn't care about what he chose to do in his own relationship and I already knew I was an idiot for kissing him before I found out he had a girlfriend so it made no difference to my life.