Will Newman's last days FIVE FEET APART

Suicide Note

I love how life works sometimes. comedy apparently didnt make it to the second season of teotfw, but it was still brilliant. also, the crown is one of netflix's best shows and yet its terribly underwatched. i rlly recommend it, its one of my favs, and its third season is coming out in just a few days, the 17th. calpurnia broke up two days ago and i just wanna die. we're almost at the very end of this fic, only one chapter left apart from this one. thx for sticking around with me for so long

...............................................................

Stella's pov

I picked up the letter slowly. I could still not believe it. This wasn't true. This hadn't happened. It'd been 2 days since he...

My eyes hadn't dried in these 48 hours. I was pretty sure that I'd never cry again after this, mostly because I don't think my body would ever be capable of producing another tear.

The paper was rough, not smooth like the one from my lists. No, this was sketching paper. Thick and pored, perfect for both ink and pencil. That's how I knew that it was from Will when the officer handed the folded note to me.

Well, that and my name in his handwriting on one of the sides. The officer hadn't said a word when giving it to me. He'd just stared sadly and blankly at me, but not letting his eyes make contact with me.

Barb, my mom and Will's mom had accompanied me to the station, but I'd separated myself from them as soon as I'd gotten the letter. The note. The _______ note.

I didn't wanna break down in front of them again. I couldn't. I'd somehow managed to avoid my feelings and become an empty page.

Sure, tears still escaped my eyes every few seconds, but I didn't feel them. I didn't know how to explain it. The pain that had overcame my body when I saw his in the ground. Smashed, blood pouring out of his eyes, bones shattered... No. 'Don't think about it, Stella.' I told myself. I was never gonna ache as much. Ever. Especially considering that if I hadn't ran away and said I hated him, he'd probably still...

I don't think I'd survive it. 

I would just suppress that pain, that agony, as long as I had to. Until the end of my life if necessary. But I was not going to let it in. 

A knock pounded slightly against the closed door of the closet I was in. All the briefing rooms of the police station were occupied, and the one assigned to us I was not using because, again, I didn't want anyone to see my reaction to the letter. 

I was pretty proud of how good I was being at keeping my thoughts straight and my mind clear. Maybe I'd be okay after all! I was almost... feeling happy.

And then I unfolded the note.

And the suppressing my feelings was no longer an option.

Stella

My muse, my love, my life. I'm sorry for this. I truly am. I'd like you to know that I don't blame you. For anything. I know that you don't hate me. Well, or at least I hope so. 

And this... this is entirely my own decision. I know that you would've wished to be with me when I, you know, passed.

But there came a point where I realised that was not going to be possible. My decision to kill myself may seem rushed, or a thing of the moment, but I assure you, it is not. It's been forming in my mind for months now, but it took me a while to figure this out.

I think the whole throwing myself off of a building seems a bit too much, but if I'm completely honest, it was an act of pure cowardliness.

Cutting my veins would've been quieter and less disturbing to everyone around me, but really, it seemed all too painful.

I hope hitting the ground doesn't hurt that bad, but since it's a pretty instantaneous death, I don't think I'll care that much.

It's weird, that concept. It's an answer that I shall never be able to meditate, cuz I guess I just won't BE.

As the tone of this note hints, I'm not all that sad about this whole thing. I'm actually kind of relieved. Finally, the pain is over. FINALLY, I'm not a burden to everyone around me. I'm free, and so are all of you.

The only thing I regret is leaving my loved ones. Obviously, this won't matter to me that much after I step off forever, but I suppose it has to leave some sort of mark to those around me.

This is probably what has made this decision so hard. The selfishness of it. 

I'm selfish for wanting to be the one who chooses my last breath, I'm selfish cuz I didn't really give you a chance to say goodbye, I'm selfish for making you all suffer.

But nevertheless, this felt right. Deep down, in my gut, this is the way out. For me. For you. For everyone.

Mom, you never really understood me, but your love surpassed our differences.

Barb, I know you didn't like me right away, but you have been with me till the end, and if there really is an Afterlife, I'll remember you fondly.

Stella. Thank you. You have been the light of my life. I would have not made it this far if it weren't for you. The hardest part of this is leaving you.

Go on and have a wonderful life. You are amazing. Find a good person to spend the rest of your time, which I know will be long.

Please tell Charlie and James that this isn't their fault either, and that I hope they do well together.

I have left some drawings for you in my room. I hope you keep them. They remind me of you. Perfection. I love you, more than my weak heart can bear. 

I'm joining Poe now. I'll be okay somehow. Now it's your turn to have fun, be happy. Enjoy life, and don't waste a second of it, because if there's something I've learned, is that it's short.

I love you. I'm sorry. 

                                                   Will Newman

........................................

GUYS THE STORY IS NOT FINISHED THERES STILL ANOTHER CHAPTER LEFT