State of Soul

Blue Jay

I've heard the stories about this.

I've heard all the stories about this one single moment. About how something in the air just shifts at a single notice. About how time seems to stand still as if commanded to. About how, for a moment, nothing else in the world matters except this one single thing. I've heard all the stories from every point of view, but nothing prepared me for this. Experiencing it myself is so much more powerful because it's no longer just a story. It is a reality.

My reality as my eyes land on my newborn son.

In all my life, I've never seen a being who is so beautiful and pure and...perfect. Perfect. That's the best way to describe him. He is perfect and flawless, and I love him. I love him so damn much that it feels as if my heart will physically burst through my chest at any moment from simply looking at him. And at this moment, with this insanely intense love overwhelming me, I know this one thing; as long as I am alive until my last breath is drawn, I will do anything in my power to protect him. Anything.

"Is he okay, Liz?" her sweet voice asks, grasping my attention.

At that, I perk up and glimpse over my shoulder, my gaze landing on her. She is laying on her back, the nurses and doctors working to clean her up as she smiles over at me. Even with the sweat beading her skin and her hair remaining in a tangled bun, she still looks absolutely stunning to me. Then again, I've always found her to be beautiful, though, her delivering our son has only increased my love and attraction to her.

I smile, nodding, "Yeah. Yeah, he's perfect. He's absolutely perfect, babe."

"Really?" she chokes, fighting back her tears of joy. "What does he look like? Does he have all his toes and fingers?"

"Yup. All ten," I laugh. "He's beautiful. He has your nose and lips...I think he looks a lot like you. A lot like you. He's perfect."

"He is? He's perfect?"

I nod, "Yes. He's absolutely perfect."

And to me, that's the undeniable truth. He is perfect. Everything from how his ebony locks curl slightly upward to how his little hands balled into tiny fists to how he cries while they wrap him in a blanket is nothing short of perfect. All of it. Every last bit of him is flawless.

"He's so, so perfect, Nova," I whisper, glancing between the two most precious humans in my life. "You did such an amazing job, babe. Such an amazing job. I'm so proud of you." My eyes bore directly into hers. "Thank you. Thank you so much, Novalynn."

She smiles, "I'd do it all again."

I can feel my heart swelling at those words. This woman is something else. She really is. Then again, she always has been. Even when she was shy and awkward, she was still capturing my attention. From the very start, there was an invisible gravitational pull that lured me to her. And it's that force that has led us to this moment—to this beautiful and raw moment.

I am in the midst of smiling to myself when a nurse approaches me, asking, "Ma'am, would you like to hold him?"

Of course, I do. That's a ridiculous question. However, I glance at my beautiful partner, my stare silently pleading to know her answer.

"Go ahead," she giggles. "Hold our boy."

Smiling, I nod and turn to the nurse, taking my son from her arms. It's so foreign and new but feeling him in my arms feels right. His little body fits soundly in my hold, his tiny eyelids draping over his eyes as he makes small grunts and sounds. It's just amazing. He's so small compared to me and so unblemished by the world's cruelty, which makes him so pure. And it's up to me to make sure he's safe and out of harm's way.

"Look at you. You're a natural," Nova giggles. "Oh! You should do skin-to-skin! It's supposed to be good for bonding."

"What about you?" I question, glimpsing up at her.

She smiles, "Babe, I carried him for nine months. Nothing will ever break that bond. So, go on. Hold him, do skin-to-skin, be his mommy, too."

Her deep brown eyes are melting into mine, the corners of her lips drawn up as she watches me. I don't need to look into her stare to know she means what she's saying. So, I take my opportunity and claim the chair next to her bed, adjusting myself. It takes a few moments, but before long, our son is laying soundly against my chest.

Every cell in my body begins to buzz, the overwhelming love that I've been feeling only multiplying. It's insane. This tiny human—this tiny human who may have no genetic connection to me—has complete hold of my unconditional love and he's done nothing but merely exist to earn it. And that was all it took. Just him entering into this life is all I needed to hand my love over, but I do not regret that. I am more than happy to give my love freely to this little boy.

"Ya know, out of all the titles you've ever held, nothing's ever looked as good on you as motherhood," Nova chuckles.

"Is that so?" I chortle, glancing at her. "If I look good in it, then you're gonna look bangin' as hell."

Her features flush a bright pink as she panics, "Liz, there are people here!"

Laughing, I turn to the remaining nurses and ask, "Do you all care if I flirt with my wife?"

"No. Have at it," one replies.

"Get you some, girl," another encourages.

"You two are too cute," the final nurse gushes.

I return my gaze to Novalynn's and smirk, "Look, they don't mind."

She rolls her eyes and chuckles, "O.M.G., I can't with you."

We giggle and return to gushing over our sweet little boy. He is nestled against my chest, his little body resting in my arms. Honestly, I'm still working to wrap my mind around all this. It was one thing when Nova was pregnant, but now that he's here, it doesn't feel real. Sure, I'm holding him and he's physically here with us, but my brain just can't believe all this. After all this time—after all the failed attempts, after all the morning sickness, after all the hormones, after all the tears, laughter, and months of waiting—this is our life now.

"I can't believe it," I whisper, taking his hand into mine.

"Can't believe what?" Nova asks quietly as she reaches over and runs her fingers through our little boy's hair.

"This," I answer, meeting her stare. "This moment. I can't believe that it's actually here. That we're actually parents—that we're moms. That he's here. I can't believe any of that."

"That makes two of us, then. I keep waiting for someone to pinch me to wake me up, only for this all to be one big dream."

"Should we pinch each other to test that theory?"

"No," she chortles. "Going through labor and delivery already disproves that thought. It might not feel real, but it is. It all is and so is he."

"You're right," I smile. "It all is real and I'm so happy." I reach over and stroke my thumb against one of her cheeks. "Seriously, thank you so much, Nova. Thank you so much for all this—for all that you've given me. I'm so thankful and grateful for all this."

She places her hand over mine and smiles, "There's no need to thank me. We both wanted this. In the end, this was our hopes and dreams and I'm more than happy to be doing all this with you. I love you, Elizabeth."

My heart begins to swell. "I love you too, Novalynn." I glance down at the sleeping baby in my arms and add, "And we love you too, Noah."

© 2019 K.N. Herzner