State of Soul

Waves Against the Rocks

Dear Neil,

I told myself that I wanted to write a story.

That was what I told myself, anyway. However, turns out that's not going quite as I had planned. My brain is swirling with a million different thoughts at what feels like warp speed; all leaving me feeling a million different ways. Well, that may be a tad exaggerated, but it is still a version of the truth. In the end, I am overwhelmed by an array of emotions that seem to be crashing against me like the waves against the rocks.

Then again, listening to this song doesn't help, but it's the only thing I want to listen to. In a way, it sounds like us. It sounds a lot like us...in some ways. It's not fair of me to think this about us, but it feels so true. There's an invisible tug-of-war that's happening between us. You wear your heart on your sleeve and are blunt with your emotions to the point that I admire you, but me...I am distant.

My emotions are kept in a crystal bottle that is sealed tight. It looks pretty and neat, and it does an excellent job of distorting what is going through my mind. Some would go as far as to say it looks like there's nothing but happiness in my head. But what they don't realize it just how fragile that crystal bottle is. Just one wrong move can cause it to crack and too many cracks can cause it to burst into a million little fragments; each shard splintering. So, I hold my breath and hope it doesn't tumble off the pedestal I so strategically placed it on. I stand and watch, sweating with anxiety that it might fall.

Unlike me, you do not fear this. Your emotions are written not just across your face, but your heart rests on your sleeve. You say what it is that is written deep within yourself and you express those feelings that you so strongly feel. Then you grow frustrated with me when I remain silent.

But the silence is all I know.

Concealing the feelings is all I've ever known. Laying in the dark as tears streamed down my cheeks and then painting on a smile when I awoke was just another step to getting dressed every day. If I laughed hard enough and told enough jokes, then no one could see the demons hiding in my head. If they see no evil, then they'll hear no evil and they'll speak no evil. That was my assumption.

Breaking this habit of hiding all these thoughts and emotions will take time. Like leading a horse, you can guide me to the water, but please don't force me to drink from the well. Eventually, I'll grow thirsty and take a drink by my own will but forcing me will be like filling my lungs with the water. I just need patience. That's all I ask for.

Because right now, your love crashes against me with a force that makes me feel like I'm about to drown. The water may be warm, but suffocating is still suffocating. Maybe that's just the introvert in me talking, but I believe it's deeper than that. I guess I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't measure up to what you envisioned. You claim that you're happy and glad to see progress, but I feel like I'm holding you back—that you're dragging me along.

That's how it feels.

And I'm a feeling being. Even when I don't express a thing, I'm still feeling everything. Every emotion I try not to let slip. Sorrow. Anger. Frustration. Pain. They all remained locked in a vault that only I have the key to. And I suppose I do this for a number of reasons. I'm just sorry that you're stuck dealing with it now.

You want in; to see all that I keep swept beneath the rug and that terrifies me. It's a mess. The demons in my head have destroyed my mind and left it in utter disarray and, to be honest, I haven't felt much like cleaning up their mess. Still, knowing this you continuously try to knock down my walls and lift this rock which I hide under. This warm and cozy rock that I made my home.

Instead of trying to pull me along, extend a hand and I will reach for it. I will intertwine my fingers with yours and I will walk along your side. That fragile bottle within me will be less likely to shatter if that is done. This isn't much to ask. I don't need much. Just patience and understanding. I'd say that's a hell of a lot better than what some people may request.

Above all else, don't give up on me. I understand that I'm not an easy person to love. Your buttons will be pushed, and your patience tested at times. There will be arguments and there will be days where all we want is to get away from the other. It's a fact and a reality. No relationship is without turbulences and bumps. No single pairing is filled with flawless perfection because we, as a human species, are all flawed. We are all imperfect and created by our own personal disasters. We are our own messes.

But your mess isn't what scares me. I see your mess and I understand that it helped to shape who you are as a man. You are an incredible human being and I say that from the pit of myself. You are wonderful and kind and filled with so much love that I can see it in that blue stare of yours. And I feel how your stare melts into mine. In the past, I believed my eyes were the rocks that ships crashed into, but that was before I realized you are the raging sea trying to save me.

I can't promise that it'll be easy, but I can promise this. I promise to try. I promise to put forth the effort needed to reach our goals. I promise not to run away when things get rough. I promise that, as time progresses, I'll let you in more and more until you see all that is me. I promise not to hurt you like how he hurt me.

And I promise that these rocks will remain firm in the sun as your waves crash against them. Because I love you. Even if I haven't said it yet, I do love you.

Love,

Molly

© 2019 K.N. Herzner