"What's the matter!?" She questioned with panic.
My eyes shifted from her towards the thick curtains she was about just to open before I yelled. My sexual appetite completely dwindled within an instant as the reality of my body dysmorphia ruined how I felt.
It was quiet between Abhaya and me for only a few seconds before she questioned me again. "Michael, why did you just yell like that? What's wrong?"
Not wanting to answer, I looked away from her questioning eyes and walked towards the wooden desk where my underwear was located. I grabbed them off the top shiny oak surface and quickly placed them on.
"Michael...?" I could hear the confusion in Abhaya's voice, yet I said nothing. I was too embarrassed to say anything. As I avoided Abhaya's eyes, I sauntered back over to the left side of my bed and leaned down to grab Abhaya the shorts she had been looking for for the past 20 minutes. Sighing, I stood back up and turned around to see Abhaya looking worrisome.
"Here," I mumbled and handed her the shorts.
Without another word, I plopped down against
the left edge of my bed and lowered my head in complete shame, complete embarrassment.
I hated this. The feeling of the right of my arm touching smooth skin caused me to slightly turn
my lowered eyes towards the corners of my almond-shaped outer barriers. Abhaya was sitting next to me.
She began to move her hand up and down my arm in
a comforting manner before resting her head against my shoulder. "Michael, are you okay?" She asked.
I shook before finally speaking. "No...No, I'm not."
Abhaya leaned her head back up to look at me,
"Tell me what's wrong. Let's talk." I felt her hand rest on top of mines. The comfort and patience she gave were helping me express how I felt. "Remember when we had sex the first time, and it was dark outside. The curtains were slightly open, and I had the lamp on which was dimly lit?"
Abhaya nodded and encouraged me to continue.
I sighed. "Well, if you haven't noticed, the curtains
are now completely closed, and the lamp is on, but it's still dimly lit."Abhaya looked around for a few seconds as if she was confirming my statement. I continued.
"If the curtains are open, then the sun is going to
seep through and accurately show just how bad
my skin condition is."
The amount of shame I felt was enough to last me a lifetime. I was ashamed of myself. I let this disease become almost irresistible to overcome mentally.
This skin disease was a part of me for a lifetime,
Yet I wasn't willing to accept that. I guess that's what made things worse for me. "Michael, I will never understand what you go through with your skin condition. It's only so much I can say to make you feel good about yourself. I could tell you that you are the most handsome, most beautiful, most enchanting man in the world, but that doesn't mean anything if you don't feel like that on the inside."
Abhaya placed her left palm against the side of my cheek and stroked it delicately.
"But, I will tell you over and over again how I see
you. I will tell you how beautiful and enchanting
you are until my voice gives out. The thing is, though, Michael, you have to tell yourself that as well. You have to be comfortable in your body, and I know it's hard. I know it hurts but loving who you are is
what's going to help you, babe."
24. Man In The Mirror
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