Loving Katy

Chapter 24 (Final Breaths)

A/N

Trigger Warning: this chapter deals with subjects like suicide and self-harm, and just know that if you are struggling, there is hope and there is help. I will be posting the number for different suicide helplines at the end of this chapter. And if you just need someone to talk to, PM me anytime. I will be here to listen. 

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My family says it's been almost three weeks since I've had my heart broken, and if I'm honest I don't even care how long it's been. I don't even hear words that are being said to me anymore, just sounds. It's taken a toll on my family too, I hate that I've put them through this. I should have just died that day, it would have made everyone's life easier if I just wasn't in it. I just feel like my entire body is filled with lead, like I don't even want to get out of bed, I know I should, but I just can't. It's not that I don't want to be here anymore, it's just that I've lost all my motivation. I've lost the only person that's really loved me for who I am, and my big secret is out there now. I can't believe it, I don't want to believe it. Part of me wishes that this is only a bad dream and that I'm just going to wake up and everything is going to go back to the way it was, but the other part of me knows that it's not a dream and that this is really happening.

I have been lying in my bed for hours, I don't even know what day of the week it is and I don't care to know. I hear Alexa open my bedroom door and take a few steps in. she heaves a big sigh and shakes my shoulder gently.

"C'mon Katy, mom says you have to get up," she says.

I look at her and then slowly put my head back on the pillow. She rubs my shoulder softly and then walks away. I can hear her talking to Mom and Dad outside my door. I let their words merge together for the most part until I hear Dad say "Alexa, she may not last the day,"

That hits me like a punch to the gut. Before that Alexa must have said that she thought I was going to be fine. I can't lie, Dad's a smart man to think about that, I wish that they didn't have to think about that. I don't even have to be in their presence to know that's what was on everyone's mind. That shouldn't be on any parent's mind, that their kid may not make it to the end of the day.

~

It must have been another hour before I finally get out of bed to go downstairs to at least try and eat something. I haven't eaten in what feels like days, but I don't feel anything from it. Since this started my parents have tried to get me to eat something, but every time I eat about three bites of something if they're really persistent just to get them to stop bothering me about it. I know that I should be eating three meals a day, but like always when this happens, I could go the entire day and not eat anything.

I shuffle downstairs and reach in the fridge to grab a plate of leftover pasta. Roxy follows me at my feet when I saunter back up the stairs.

At least I still have her.

When I walk back into my room I pass by my mirror. When I see myself a ton of old voices come to my head like some evil curse that's been cast on me.

You were never good enough.

Why are you even eating that? You know you're fat.

Do everyone a favour and die.

I try my best to ignore these thoughts, but I just can't get them out of my head. Every single one of my thoughts starts spinning at a million miles an hour and my heart starts racing. I should have died on that day. It would have made everyone else's life easier. It would be so easy. I could do it just the way I planned to do it years ago. I'm just a burden to everyone around me, so, I would be doing everyone a favour by dying, right?