Save Me

Chapter 21: DETERMINATION

*TRIGGER WARNING*

Ava:

I know I'm being selfish. Hell, I know I've been selfish. That's why life punished me and took my mom and Toby. I deserved everything I was feeling, but they didn't deserve their life to be stripped away.

I can't seem to stop from feeling numb. I can't get up, I don't want to get up. I just want to lay here and wait to die.

But something snapped when I saw the need in James' eyes, he needed me. I've needed him but this time he needed me. Once he left, I got up and tumbled because I haven't gotten up since we came home from the morgue. I walk to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror.

I don't recognize myself, I have dark circles under my bloodshot eyes. My hair is an oily mess and my lips are dry. I feel like crying yet the tears don't come, so I turn the water on and strip of my clothes.

I walk in and let the warm water hit my skin, it feels...good I guess. I still feel the lump in my throat forming but the tears won't slip. I let the soap lather my skin and the shampoo lather in my hair. I feel the water strip away some of the heaviness I still feel around me.

I get out and decide to put some makeup on, concealer to hide the many hours of sleep I've lost. Blush to add color to my pale skin. Mascara and liner to disguise the bloodshot eyes. Some gloss to hide my dry lips.

I blow dry my hair and let my natural waves cascade over my shoulders. I go into the drawer of clothes James had for me and pick out some ripped light blue skinny jeans, a black cropped tank top and a light pink knit long cardigan with black converse to finish off the look.

I look at myself in the full length mirror by the closet and let myself stare at the girl with a mask on in front of me. A single tear falls but I wipe it off and smile. I grab my bag and walk out the door.

I was going to visit James so he can see I'm here and I am going to fight for him...for us....for me. 

________________________________________________________________________________

I caught the bus to the hospital and made my way to the emergency wing since I knew that's where James worked on Mondays. I scan the busy room to try to find him but I can't see him. 

I then recognize the nurse that helped me when I came into the emergency room and walk up to her. 

"Hi, you work with James right?" She looks up from her notepad and gives me a wide eyed look which confuses me. 

"Ummm, yeah. Ava right?" She smiles warmly then sighs, "I am so sorry for the loss of your friend." She rubs my arm as I look down and feel the punch of pain that hits my chest. I look down and close my eyes.

"I-I'm sorry I shouldn't-" I lift my hand and grasp her forearm, "No it's okay, I just need to come to terms with it still" I look at her genuine sympathetic eyes and feel a familiar motherly comfort that I haven't felt for years. 

She pulls me for a hug and I return it, needed any type of relief I can feel from the pain scorching my soul. "You'll get through this, you have more strength in you than you realize," she says but I can't seem to believe her. 

She lets me go and smiles at me, "Thank you, I needed that" I giggle with her as I wipe my eyes. "Do you know where James is?" I say as she takes a deep breath and looks down. 

"Yes" She takes a pause and almost in defeat says, "he's in the on-call room right there."

She points to the blue door in the middle of the hallway and I thank her and make my way hesitantly since I can't shake the feeling that she doesn't really want me to go in there. 

I open the door gently assuming he's probably napping, when I look up to see a beautiful blond girl and a man kissing. I almost leave quickly until I realize that the man is James. 

I look as she caresses his cheek and he lets her. 

I feel all the blood drain from my body. I feel a shift in me that knew this was it. This was the last hit I ever wanted life to throw at me. I was done feeling, feeling had me so exhausted. Feeling love for Toby, feeling love for James, feeling the loss of my loved ones and feeling worthless. It's been both a blessing and a curse to feel so deeply and right now; I decided I won't allow myself to feel anymore.  

When he looks up to look at me with a shocked expression, I don't hesitate and take off running, hearing my name as I run with everything I have back home. 

I run, I run with a determination I knew all too well. A determination to end my pain, my sorrow,

My life. 

Authors note:

Hi guys! I know I have been gone for months but I was dealing with so many sudden changes in life and a serious case of writers block. LOL. That being said, this book will be coming to an end soon. I have two more books in mind, one being a sequel and one being an entirely new story. I appreciate all of you for your support and for sticking with me through my very first story that was not easy for me to write. I love you all! <3