Ramblings of the crazy

The day my life ended

When I met him, I was fresh out of a long term relationship. It was a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man, we were just not meant for eachother, as sometimes happens. I was heartbroken over it, even though it was mostly my side that ended it. That's just a complicated story neither of us fully understood, even though he understood more than I did. But long story short, we never stopped loving eachother, we just... didn't love eachother that way anymore and went our own paths, still keeping contact.

I wasn't the type to be alone though (yes, you guessed it, here come all the clichés), and was single for the first time since I was 19. I missed out on so much in my life, it hurt. It wasn't really anybody's fault, but at 24, I wanted to live, experience what life was like. So I got my ass on Tinder, and I LOVED IT. I got to enjoy male attention for the first time in 5 years, even though I had gotten pretty fat. What a confidence boost, I lost so much weight in that time period! I loved my life, I found myself again and enjoyed life, basically. I even found someone new, and fell head over heels VERY quickly. But after a little over a month, that fell apart. Hurt like hell, but got up and out there almost immediately. Ain't nobody keepin' this lady down, right?

That's what I thought. Didn't take long for my matches to explode again, and was talking with multiple men (really, no sarcasm, actually talking, socializing, barely went on dates). It felt good, I'm normally not the social type, I don't really have friends or anything. But there was one guy that didn't show any interest. At all. I got maybe one message a day, if even that. Yes, you guessed it, in comes dear future husband.

Things got off to a very, VERY slow start. Should have been red flag number one, but apparently I am not just colorblind, but totally and utterly blind. It took 5 days to get more out of him than a blunt 5 word response. We matched on June 5th, and really got to talking on the 10th. I am a singer in a band, and was at a gig. After the ole polite "so, what're you doing?" I told him. Interest peaked. Severely. In hinesight, this was another red flag. We'll get to that, eventually. We talked all night, he wouldn't stop messaging me after that, and I loved it. He was really good looking, well spoken and had a lot of interesting things to say. We set up a date only a few days after that, and we hit it off immediately.

On our first date we met up at a local bar to grab a drink, and all went well. We talked about ourselves a lot and he seemed genuinely interested. We both had suffered a breakup after a long term relationship in the recent past, both had battled with our weight, and we both were no stranger to depression. It was nice to have someone understand what I was going through, it felt really good. He then started to tell me how he could help me with everything. Show me how to change my life and do better for myself. He practically offered me to stay at his place for a while to clear my head and be away from everything and everyone. Next red flag, and this one, I saw. I immediately calmed my enthusiasm and dialed it back a bit. I am not a project... you don't have to fix me. But the evening was still wonderful, and one of our mutual problems came up. Sex. We both just came out of a relationship where sex was practically nonexistent, and we hated it. Score, right? Oh, you'll find out real soon...

We planned our next date on the immediate day after. He took me to a lake, and it was beautiful. I was never one to swim in a lake (my mom would never let me, I mean, gross...) and I had an amazing time. While we were sitting side by side, his phone rang. A girl. He immediately put his phone away and didn't answer it. Red flag? Nah. I thought I recognized the name to be of his ex girlfriend. I was still in touch with my ex, so no harm. We were on the same level then! The day after that, I took him to my lake. Not for swimming, just for a walk. It started off nice and well, and we ended up putting down a blanket on the bank of the river. Insecure little old me leaned in for the kiss. I just wanted to kiss him. I know, you don't have to say it. Stupid is my middle name. But, things got a bit... more sexual. For him, at least. I got nothing. He suddenly got up and had to go. Big, BIG red flag. Even the colorblind should be able to see that. And oh, did I. Wasn't hard to see either, because it took him more than a day to contact me. In any other setting, I wouldn't have taken it so badly, but right after getting a bit more intimate? That plays with your head, you know.

The day after that, he invited me over to his place, and I did go. And things went... all the way. Hey, don't judge, I had a dry spell of four years, and I was DONE. Everything was back to magical and romantic, and I ended up leaving at 5 am. Loved it. This time, he did get back to me. At first he was kind, but his texts grew... more distant. He ended up telling me he thought I was a bit too easy and we should maybe not see eachother so often. You'd think I would've run for the hills, even looking back, I know I should have. But I didn't. And nothing ever got better.