Chapter Forty Five.

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"Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all"

A/N: I missed you guys! I read over this quickly half asleep and it's like 4am, so if there's any fuck ups I won't know till tomorrow when my brain is working again.

But this is a long one, get comfy.


It's Friday.

I'm tired again. Things feel blurry, kinda feel like I'm floating through a fog and completely vacant.

I have that date with Harry tomorrow and I'm more nervous than I'd like to be. I've never really had a proper date, and the fact it's with him is only making matters worse.

I wonder if he would think it was pathetic I used the money I had set aside for my psyche appointment, just so I could organise to go out with him. I offered to pay for my sister's fuel to come and pick my mother up for the weekend as well as stocking mum up with liquor and cigarettes.

The monetary cost wasn't even close to the emotional one, the lengthy guilt trip I copped from both my mother and my sister. The disapproving looks, passive aggressive words and whispers to each other at my expense.

My mother expected a thank you, for agreeing to stay at my sisters and pointed out the huge favour she was doing for me this morning. My sister also made sure to point out that she was picking up my slack, how inept and selfish I was being 'choosing a night out over my mother' and at least she was there to be responsible. Guess I'll never deserve a break.

Forever in debt, never to dig myself out.

I'm really wondering lately if I'm going to make it to 27 - it seems to be the magic number. It took Hendrix, Cobain, Joplin and Morrison. Wonder if it will be my lucky number too, if I can even hold out until then.

But then again, I guess it's not polite to kill yourself when you've got plans the next day. That'd be rude, no matter how tempting running into a tree felt on the way to work.

I have Gizmo. He relies on me. It's all I kept repeating to myself to get me to work in one piece.

It's days like today that make it harder to push those thoughts out of my head. The relief looks so tempting. Who doesn't love emotional breakdowns before 11am? A bit of crippling mental crisis with your morning coffee?

Some days are worse than others, and you know sometimes there's no rhyme or reason - it just happens and today has been on the worst end of the scale.

There has been a distraction, though. Albeit a temporary one, but a distraction none-the-less.

God I can't get the sound of his voice out of my head. It's haunted me since  that phone call.

Lucky for me, and by lucky I mean the universe just likes to fuck with me, now I can't get his face out of my mind either - because it keeps staring right at me.

I'm doing the lunch shift at work, and guess who decided to show up?

Frankie and Alex, accompanied by none other than a pair of green eyes and a denim jacket.

Oh, and the bartender from that bar I went to with Harry, I'm assuming he and Harry are friends?

At least I think they're just friends, Harry swings in every direction so I can't make assumptions. But surely he wouldn't pull another stunt like he did with that girl? Rubbing who he's sleeping with in my face?

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