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XVIII

"I don't forgive you." I forced out, a broken whisper breaking through my lips which felt like they had been smashed open by a hammer with those words, and I watched as each word hit him like a sledgehammer, breaking pieces off of him a little at a time. 

"Ril-" Daryl tried to start, tears in his eyes, but I cut him off, holding a hand in the air while I tried to gather my thoughts about what I wanted to say. 

"I've thought, and thought and thought about what I wanted to say to you these past weeks. I've gone over and over in my head about what to say. But normally... I end up blaming myself in my rants. Asking you what I did wrong. What I did to make you cheat. What I did to make you seek warmth from another woman's arms. But I know that I didn't do anything. How could I? I was dying. I was dying because I gave birth to our son. That wasn't my fault. And it wasn't your fault. Everything that happened next though, that was your fault. You chose to sleep with that woman. You chose to push me away. You chose for me to find out from someone other than you. You chose to leave me. You didn't even give me a chance to forgive you. I probably would have. If you had told me as soon as we got back to the prison. Maybe not, but I think I would have. But no. You followed me upstairs, and screamed at me, about how I was a horrible mother, and how much of a better job Carol did than me." I paused, tears streaming down my face as I shuffled Dale around, my instinct wanting him close to me. Away from this man who had hurt me so... so deeply. 

"I'm sure she was better than me. At least I hope. Otherwise you threw me away for a lesser woman. And you didn't even have the decency to tell me yourself. You made your big brother do it for you. But now... now that you've lost her you've come crawling back expecting forgiveness? You don't deserve-" He cut me off, standing up with his hands tightly gripped in his hair. He paced frantically for a few moments, yanking at his hair and I'm sure tufts would be falling out when he removed his hands. He spun to face me, and I had never seen such rage, despair, anxiety, and fear in a person's eyes before. 

"I don't deserve your forgiveness. And I wasn't expecting it. I don't expect you'll ever forgive me. But everything with her, was a mistake. When you were asleep, she told me that Hershel said you would never wake up. I was afraid Dale wouldn't have a mother's I forced her into it the only way I knew how. And when you woke up... I didn't want to be alone again. I knew you'd leave me when I told you... so I didn't. I pushed you away and kept her close. But I didn't sleep with her when you were awake. That stopped the moment I saw you again. And I didn't come crawling back to you! I've been searching for you since the moment you left! She's been gone for weeks now! And it didn't matter to me that she was there, or that she left. It only mattered that you weren't there. That you left. I've spent every waking moment looking for you. And then the one trip where we aren't actively searching for you... there you are. It doesn't make sense. But I don't care because I found you. Please come back Riley. I know it'll take time for you to forgive me, if you ever do. But your family needs you. I need you. And I know you need your family, you love them. And they miss you. So do I." 

He was kneeling in front of me now, clutching desperately to my calves, sobbing onto my knees, and I wanted to cling to him, to soothe his fears, his pain, but I couldn't. I had been suffering for months, on my own, before his eyes and he had done nothing. Nothing but watch. 

"You know... I... I used to think that I was born to find you. That you and I, no matter what, we were meant to be. And that the zombie apocalypse for gods sake, wasn't just the thing that ended the rest of the world. It was the thing that restarted my life, that saved me from being a punching bag for the rest of my life, that gave me a home. You used to be my home. And then you burned us to the ground. One fuck at a time. You did it willingly. Eagerly from what I was told. Publicly and frequently. I used to think that we were born, made, formed, shaped, whatever... I used to think we were perfect for each other. But you've shattered me into a million pieces. And I'm picking them up, glueing myself back together. But we will never fit perfectly again. Because I will never be perfect again." 

He was shaking through his sobs, and each word I spoke made his grip on my legs tighten until it was so tight that it almost hurt, but I didn't say anything. I refused to touch him of my own volition. Every time I look at him all I can see... is him touching her, and her touching him. Touching what used to be mine. 

"I can't look at you anymore. It hurts me. All I can see is you with her and it feels like someone stabbing glass into my chest, and picking out the pieces with a molten hook. I don't want to walk away from you. Because I know that if I do, I'm walking away from my family. My brother, my niece and nephew. My best friend. And the man who used to be the love of my life. But I have to walk away. I can't hurt like this. I can't hurt like this and survive. I can't hurt like this and be strong enough to protect my son from what's out there. So I'm going to leave. And you aren't going to follow me. Maybe... maybe one day we'll meet again and we can try to fix what's broken. But for now... I need to see who I can be without this... without this pain." 

He sat back off his knees, landing hard on the wooden floor on his butt. His hands were still loosely gripping my legs, but his eyes were staring blankly up at mine. They looked... dead. 

"I can't live without you." He croaked, the desperation leaking from his voice, though I could find no emotion on his face. 

"You can. You've done it before. It's going to hurt. Maybe you'll feel what I've felt these past months. But... it'll be alright. Goodbye Daryl Dixon. Tell Merle that I'll miss him. Tell Carl I love him. Tell Rick I'll see him again. Tell the baby hello, and tell Morgan I'll see him on the other side." 

With that said, I stood up, shook his grasping arms from my legs, grabbed the bag I had packed for situations like these, and walked outside, where Morgan, Merle, and Carl were standing, holding the car door open. It was loaded inside with the baby food, and when Merle handed me the keys, I finally let the tears fall. 

End of Part I