ONCE A WALLFLOWER: When will this story be mine?

TRYING TO STEP OUT

There's a long silence after I send my message.

He must be thinking about what I said, probably confused by my words.

This is embarrassing

I need to think of something to break the ice.

But then I waited because there is a typing sign in our chat box.

Then it's gone

And it constantly comes back

"Umm" He finally said.

Umm? He seemed a bit preoccupied maybe because of the sudden situation we're in.

"Can I call?" He asked in a plain voice.

Huh?

"Why?"

"I have to tell you something"

"Why does it have to be through calls? You can just tell me here." I said, trying my best to refuse.

"I think you need to hear this" 

"Then tell me now, I'm listening"

"When you are reading something, do you feel the emotion attached to it?" He replied in my persistence.

My heart is throbbing so much.

He was making sense.

Every time he tells me something, I try to imagine his emotions. 

But I always fail because I misunderstood him.

Yeah, there are times he sounds insincere, but when he tells me his second thoughts, that's when I understand his feeling.

It's like there's always a reason behind his acts.

He's hard to read, but its way better than those who are acting recklessly.

"Is that what you want to say?" I said instead.

I cant let my thoughts burst out.

He'll make fun of me for sure.

Not now

Just not yet.

"No, it's just that we haven't talked, I mean verbally. I also know that you're scared to hear voices because I know you'll know if I am being sincere or not." He replied.

The thought that I will be trying to talk to other people is too much already. It feels there's always a battle inside me. Even I practice what I am going to say I still don't have the strength to gather up my courage.

And all of people why is it have to be Grestch

"I am not saying to put your guard down." He added.

I am still not replying because I am not sure what to say. 

I am not good with this kind of conversation.

I prayed, calling all the name of saints for help 

but there's no sign of it.

"I know your sneaky game! You are provoking me again." I said, trying to be strong, but deep inside I am nervous as hell.

"Cumin, just hear me out." He replied.

Then I gave up as if all things I fought for are blown away.

I type my number and click 

"Send"

There's no turning back.

Five minutes Cumin, just five minute I keep telling myself to at least calm down.

Ring

But it doesn't work.

Shit.

I shut the laptop off and tuck my self in to bed.

"Cumin? You there?" He said. 

His voice sounds soft.

And gentle.