『Three's A Charm』『OHSHC』*EDITING*

♡11: This Is Where I Belong

This Is Where I Belong

unedited

Death is such an inconvenience, especially to those who are affiliated with the one who passes away. Saying goodbye for a time is never easy, but what happens when you can never say hello ever again...? When you realize the last embrace you ever ave someone will forever more be the last. The last words you uttered to them will be the last memory you both ever share. And what if that last time you had with them wasn't a pleasant memory? The guilt one must feel knowing they can't ever take it back. The regret of feeling you didn't spend enough time with them... while you had the chance.

First dad, then mom, and now grandpa... I felt like every one of their deaths was my fault. Not many people experience so much death, especially people so close to them, in such a short lifespan of sixteen years. Was I just a magnet for bad luck? The ant hill perched below the magnifying glass of destruction and false hope? And to top it all of, I was alone... again.

Packing wasn't that hard. I didn't bring very much to begin with. Luckily not much food was going to be wasted; my cabinets were nearly empty. I had call Ouran Academy Sunday morning to tell them of my sudden departure, and also said I was moving back home. I had only been there for about a month, but despite all the bad that took place only nights before, I hadn't been happier anywhere else. For a little while, I felt wanted, loved and best of all, like I belonged, but that was all wishful thinking. I was always the outcast. The freak with her own style, who dyed her hair fire red and wore eyeliner, and listened to her music loud enough to silence the world around her. Yeah, that was me. I was in my world, and mine alone. I tried to fool myself into thinking I was happily content with that lifestyle, until I moved to Japan...

I wanted so badly to go to Ouran one last time, to see it one last time... to see them, one last time. To hear the word, "Welcome" one final time... but I didn't . Instead, I just got on the quickest plane and retreated like a coward. I was worried if I saw them again... that I would break down... besides, like they'd want to see me anyway. Hopefully, now with me out of the picture the twins would recover in no time and be as close as I saw them the first time they smiled at me.

Their smiles... what a gift Heaven granted me, to see those beautiful smiles...

The whole fight home I tried to cancel out the world with my music, but every love song on mu shuffle list caused me to tear up, they made me think of those two... I just couldn't go back one last time. I couldn't face them. I didn't want the last thing I had said to them to be "Goodbye". There would be nothing good about it.

When the plane landed, I arrived at Grandpa's house an hour later being escorted by a taxi. They were going to have his service there, and then drive his casket to the graveyard later that evening, after which, close family members were invited to see if Grandpa left anything behind for them in his will. I was invited, but grandpa had already done a lot for me while he was alive. Expecting anything else from him would be greedy and selfish.

I wondered if anyone else would take me now. I kind of hoped I could just live on my own and support myself. I didn't mind the idea at all; it was nice living alone. Alone...

The funeral was a real drag, as all funerals usually are. I went up to grandpa's casket one final time while no one else was around, and just had a quiet moment with him. I had memories of when I was little flashing back into my head like watching an old beat up projector screen fighting to stay alive. We did a lot of things over the summer, because I stayed with him a lot when mom couldn't be with me. She did have a lot of work to do after all. I bet I seemed so insensitive to everyone else, because I was the only one who didn't shed a single tear. I couldn't cry anymore... I had run out of tears to cry, and quite frankly, I didn't think grandpa would have wanted me to. I think, knowing grandpa, he'd have wanted the last thing for me to do, was smile and say "I love you". Much better than saying goodbye.