Not quite living

Changes

There normal. They happen. A lot of people hate them but i seem to crave them.

Everything is so very the same all the time and i fucking hate it.

Then again, i just changed my hair and i hate it. i just changed my room design and i hate it.

and i don't know if i hate them because i'm addicted to inconsistency or because i'm genuinely tired of it. and in terms of my room do i hate it because it never got clean or is it because i've always hated this room.

i wish i could have one fucking answer.
answer on this.
answer on my hair
answer on my decisiveness
answer on my hate
answer on my guilt
answer on my anger.

speaking of anger. yesterday i was being a pissy bitch and the bitch that brought me into this world asked what was wrong and i said "idk probably anger issues" she said iT hASnT aLwAys bEeN. like yes it fucking has i just hide it because i don't want to be treated like a psychopath.

if you actually cared about me i would have been diagnosed with so many things starting from middle school. and if you ever payed attention i wouldn't have a fucking eating disorder. that shit would've been stopped in elementary school if you gave a shit. but you don't and never have so i'm just a fucked up little kid that's trying not to be a piece of shit and blame everything on you even though i do believe a lot of it is because of you. but i try to be a good person. and i know i'm nowhere near that. but i try to treat people with respect, which isn't hard. i try to not be petty, which is kind of hard, i kind of don't even know the difference between petty, angry, and hurt. well i know what anger is but i mean minor anger. i try to stand up for myself, which is hard as fuck but almost starting to get easier. i try to stand up for other people, no i want to stand up for other people but it scares me because i'm a fucking bitch that can't do shit. i try to not get angry but it's getting harder again. i try to not let my anger show but it's almost harder than ever. i try to not hurt people, i try not to hurt things. i try not to lash out, it's been happening more recently again and it scares me. i don't want to lash out. i don't want to be a bad person. i don't want to be angry. i don't want to hurt people. i don't want to hurt animals. i want to be okay but i know i never will be.