Only Ocean

Part 42

Once I wiped the blood off my hands I went back to scratching my now bare legs from when my pants fully ripped on a branch from trying to haul the whole half of a deer back to my fire that has obviously burned out from the rain. To make matters worse as well, the branch scratched a cut, deep in my leg that was bloody and a bitch to clean up.

I sighed as my eyes closed. Why am I still alive.

I'm done. This is it I've made up my mind. I'm going to die tonight, And if I'm still alive by tomorrow-which I won't be- I'll be starting back at square one.

I don't give it much thought, I've endured enough torture as it is. Just yesterday I had to wake up to a dormouse eating at my infected tear in my leg. It was already bleeding out, but the mouse managed to tear through some muscle overnight to feed on.

I pushed my back against the tree and slid up while clutching my leg. Standing fully straight and barely holding myself up and heel slowly sinking into the mud I limped my way westward.

I got pretty far. I was barely holding up by the time I stumbled across a tree stump. Thank god I didn't want to stand anymore.

I sit down and carefully touch my forehead. I pull back and a chunk of dried blood flakes and floats down to the mud.

I'd throw up but there's nothing in my pin sized stomach. As I continue my walk forward to the river I feel something I've never felt before. Ever.

And emotion, a wave of sadness. Why the hell am I here? Stuck in this box of dirty animals-me included. I'm a fucking failure. I hurt Meghan the most and I'll all admit it now. I fucking regret it. I regret not being a better father to Lily. I regret not taking care of my wife when she needed me after miscarriages. I'm so selfish I will be better to rot in the ice water. This river full of leeches. Maybe they will suck the life out of me before I fully give into darkness.

I stand by the edge of the water lining. Looks about six feet deep towards the middle. My tear falls into the waters surface causing a ripple. A ripple that takes out to the outer spans of the waters barrier just to be stopped by the edge where it breaks. Then it stops.

I pick up the rock contemplating on how to do this. The rock is weighing down my arm. It's definitely 80-90 pounds. I sit on the edge of the bank with my feet in the water. The waters calm but won't be soon when I'm thrashing around for a breath of air. Kicking and regretting my decision as soon as my lungs plead me to open up and when I do the window for oxygen burns to the sensation of water. Just thinking that made me smile. I deserved that pain.

Snapping out of my thoughts I grab as many rocks around me as possible tucking them into the waste band that barely holds the seam to my pants. I see blood arise to the surface of the clear water as I put the rocks into my pants. The pressure on my stomach could cave in my skin and shatter my bones. I sneak a peak at the water and my ankles are black from leeches who have found me quicker than any human nearby. Which is clearly none at all. My eyebrows furrow as I push myself into further into the cold water. A sound leaves my lips as I have forgotten how to speak. The word 'English' doesn't sound familiar. Just thinking of talking to someone right now makes me wish to live. But I'll never see anyone again if I continue to punish my self on earth and not in hell. Maybe Meghan and everyone else I harmed are in heaven. They are all probably laughing at me up there. Lily too.

Shutting my eyes, I push myself in completely and the water sinks me under. The rocks holding me down. As soon as the water gets to my head. My life seems to replay itself.

*flash back*

"Daddy! Daddy!" Lily yells. "I'm going!!" She screams jumping around. Her blonde pigtails bouncing with every jump. She fixes her blue overalls and sets herself up on her bright red tricycle. As I watch her I smile a genuine smile. Her brown sewn koala stuffed animal sitting in the front basket and her pink elephant in the back.

She whips her head around. "Daddy I need a push member?"

I shake my head. "Right darling I forgot." I got to the back of the tricycle and hold onto the hot seat that was resting in the sun for a few hours as we went in for lunch. I hear a door close and look to the front of our yellow house. Doris walks out in her red picnic dress and apron and smiles at me. Her blonde hair that matches Lily's sways in the wind it's full of volume and bounces with every step.

I push the tricycle very lightly as not to hurt Lily. She immediately starts pedaling as if my push did nothing. I stand back and watch. Doris wraps her arm around my waist and watches her as well. Her elephant falls off the back and lands softly on its face. She doesn't seem to notice though because she is taking to the wind and down the sidewalk on our small street. She's past our house and as the slowly yellowing trees scatter around her slowly disappearing blonde pigtails I decided I should call her back. "Eddie you should call her back now we don't want her getting too far." Doris tells me with a light pat to my back. "Lily turn around now!" I call as I wait for her to return. When she does I smile. She's will always come to back to family.

As she arrives out of breath she hops off the tricycle and runs into my arms. "This is the bestest day ever daddy!!" She says happily.

•••

That one day turned into years though. The time could go by so quick you would never know what happened as age wears you over and leaves wrinkles as a reminder to where you have been. And before I knew it Lily was on her first prom night with some slu who asked my princess. But Doris reminded me to play nice and that she probably wasn't going to marry him.

"Is she ready yet?" Doris asks walking in with a camera and a big excited smile. I stood by the door waiting for this kid 'Eric' to show. "Nope. She's been up there for two hours how long does it take to put on a dress?" I huff with my arms crossed.

"Oh stop Ed! Lily's growing up fast you need to let her be happy and go out with this guy. He's a very nice man, remember Eric? At our church? His mother is Betty the one who brings sugared peach cobbler to every youth meeting. And wears too much blue eyeshadow?" Doris explains.

I have no idea who Betty is. Was I supposed to be paying attention to those things..? I'll just nod.

The doorbell rings and I rush to open it. "Eric." I greet with a nod to the skinny chocolate brown haired boy with freckles. "Evening Mr. Bailey! Is Lily ready yet?" He asks and Doris answers by screaming up the stairs for Lily. "Almost. You look dashing Eric!" Doris says happily.

And quickly Lily's huffing and at the top of the stairs. "Hi Eric!" She says and hops down the stairs and almost falling down them all in the process, in her neon purple dress with puffy sleeves bigger than her head. Her hair is done up to a big fluffy blonde bun on the right side of her head with a matching purple ribbon.

"Hi Lily. You look beautifu-I mean you look nice- no not nice better that n-nice-Well yes you look nice I'm not saying you don't look nice you-just...wow Lily you look great..." He says and looks anywhere but at her. Lily's smile only grows at this but my frown deepens. I look at Eric and then my frown falters. He was looking at Lily with that look in his eye. The same look I have when I look at Doris.

"Ok picture time!" Doris says proudly. I stand behind her to get out of the way.

Lily and Eric awkwardly stand by the front door and don't even move to touch each other. They both smile and the blinding click goes off.

*End of flashback*

As soon as I see Lily's smile in my mind, I'm back to reality. The cold water and the rocks that seemed to have gotten heavier by tons on my lungs. I realize I made a mistake.

•••