blackmail | the society

frustration

a month ago

"fuck you harry. you don't know shit about me." i shout at him over the loud music, pushing away from him in the kitchen.

"no fuck you, camilla! you're lucky everyone's believing these shit lies you've been telling them. but i don't believe shit! what, do you think google doesn't work?" he follows me through to the hallway, keeping up with me as i swerve around sweaty bodies, people making out, and people playing drinking games.

he pulls me into the bathroom, locking the door behind me and snatching the key out of the lock. i scowl at him, making sure i find the best bitch stare i had in me specifically for him. i couldn't let my secrets get out at all. there's a reason i moved here last year.

"what are you going to do, then? tell everyone and ruin my relationships with everybody here?" i shout at him. after he doesn't reply, i throw my arms in the air in frustration, leaning against the door, waiting until he puts the key back in to let us out.

"how about... i keep your dirty little secret and in return you do me a little favour?" he comes closer to me, leaning both of his arms over me onto the door. his face is merely an inch away from mine.

i look away. i'm not going to give him sexual favours in return for him to not reveal my secrets. i return my eyes to his, they're slightly bloodshot so you can tell he's intoxicated as am i slightly.

"alright, then. who should we tell first? maybe, grizz or helena, they're your closest pals!" he grins at me excitedly, before going to unlock the door. i block him from doing so. i can't let him tell anyone. i should have known someone would find out, and that it would be harry.

"but what about kelly." i protest, not looking at him.

"she doesn't have to know, you have your secret. i'll have mine." he whispers in my ear, seductively. it sends shivers down my spine and i feel him trace his lips down to the crook of my neck placing small, delicate kisses.

"harry, are you sure? we're both drunk" i whisper out, but loud enough to be heard over the buzz of the bass in the gother room. instead of answering me, harry places his lips on mine holding onto either side of my face. i give in kissing him back as he slides his tongue into my mouth, battling for dominance with mine. i pull away.

"fuck, camilla, you're so frustrating." he says resting his head on mine, out of breath from our kiss.

"i know" i say before reaching for his belt, unbuckling it and sliding it out of the loops on his jeans. he smirks at me, seeing what i'm doing.

present day

i anxiously walk into the supermarket after just throwing up half an hour ago. it's not busy inside, to my relief, as i was expecting to see people taking everything they could from the shelves. i walk straight to the medicine aisle, passing will and kelly on the way as they're sitting on the floor, counting food. thankfully, neither of them see me so i don't have to explain what i am doing here.

i turn the corner to the aisle, whilst still doubling checking around me, and i breath out a sigh of relief as no one else is in the aisle. there sitting right in front of my face, are the pregnancy tests. i scan over the boxes, my mind suddenly realising what i'm doing. tears stream down my cheeks. my breathing becomes hitched. god, i don't want to have a panic attack in the middle of the supermarket. i compose myself, looking back at the tests.

which one do i go for? one step pregnancy test? first response? clearblue?

i grab the clearblue, then walk around the corner, not concentrating on what i am doing. as i walk, i look down not wanting to capture the attention of anyone. this results in me bumping into becca, throwing the pregnancy test out of my hand. realising that she's staring at it, i crouch down picking it up and holding it under my jumper. i avoid eye contact with her, not wanting to have to explain myself.

"camilla, are you--?" she starts but i shh her, pulling her into the nearest aisle.

"pregnant?" i finish off her question, she nods. "i- i don't know yet."

"god, i can't believe that. cami, i actually..." she trails off, looking over my shoulder. i follow her gaze to see harry walking toward us. i quickly shove the box back under my jumper, not wanting him to see it, for obvious reasons.

"becca. camilla. what pleasure to see you both here." i can feel his gaze on me but i don't look at him, i just concentrate on a tin on the other side of the aisle. "you know, camilla, if you're going to steal something, i'm sure kelly and will won't mind."

i shove the box further up my jumper, making sure there is no way of him seeing it at all. i look at harry, and he's raised his eyebrows obviously waiting for me to give him a sarcastic comment back, like i usually do, but i don't. i can't even handle speaking to him right now. i look back a becca as she's watching me with a concerned look, i feel the tears start to form again.

"becca, i'll see you later" i smile slightly at her, not wanting to give her the impression i'm pissed at her. i ignore saying goodbye to harry, walking swiftly away and not taking one glance back.

"cami! for fucks sake!" harry shouts after me. i shake my head, annoyed at his complete ignorance for my feelings.

walking past, i smile at will and kelly as they turn around from looking at shelves to see what harry is shouting about. kelly scoffs and turns back around but will returns my smile, then turns back. i roll my eyes at kelly's reaction to seeing me, not knowing what her problem is.

i open the door, then sneak a quick look back into the store. harry's talking to kelly as if nothing had just happened. i feel myself about to have another panic attack, so i shut the door. then start running home in a fit of tears.

---------------------------

"fuck! fuck! fuck!" i shout as i stare down at the stick in my hands.

pregnant.

the 8 letter word that can ruin someone's life.

i slide down my bathroom door, sobbing into my hand.

i can't have a baby. a baby. and especially not with harry of all people, someone who's in a relationship. i would moan at myself for being irresponsible but we used condoms every time. and i can't have one when we have no idea what has happened to the world. our parents. i don't have either of my parents to talk to or my sister.

fuck. fuck. fuck.

i throw the stick in the bin, looking at myself in the mirror. the girl i knew over a year ago was back. the immature, irresponsible, fucked up girl who always screwed herself up somehow. and when bad things are going on at the same time.

i wipe away my tears and sort my brown curls into a ponytail on top of my head. i use makeup remover to get away the smudged mascara below my eyes as well as the rest of the makeup that had somehow stayed in tact all throughout my crying.

i give myself a supportive smile before leaving the bathroom. i run downstairs, grab my coat from the banister and run out the door. not even bothering to lock it behind me.

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