Tell Me Why || McLennon

Chapter Thirty

Last chapter for tonight, the remaining ten chapters will be posted tomorrow.

   Yeah so a couple months passed, thought John. It still doesn't change the fact that Stu isn't here and he never will be ever again. Nothing, especially not a couple of measly months will change that.

       John sat outside the cavern, smoking a cigarette. He leaned back on the wall, not caring if he was late for band practice.

       He didn't care that much about anything anymore. Not even himself.

       John just chuckled to himself and took another drag of his cigarette. He couldn't believe it had been just a few months since his best mate had died. Just a few months since everything had changed.

       Sure he still had Paul. And Paul was the best damn thing that ever happened to him. But things weren't the same. John wasn't sure if they ever would be again.

      Ever since the morning after the night Stu died, nothing was the same with him and Paul. Paul had taken John into his room, and taken care of him. And it was nice to be taken care of and to feel so loved, even though John knew he wasn't. If he was loved, his dad, mum, and best mate wouldn't of left him. He didn't even know if Paul loved anymore. Which was why that night, when he laid next to Paul, he stayed awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering if he should stay with Paul. He most likely doesn't  love me, thought John. And he'll leave soon enough. Everyone always leaves.

       So when John woke up that morning to leave, Paul woke up too. When he asked why he was leaving, John said he was fine. He said he was just going for a walk. He didn't need anymore caring. He was okay. And he was going to be okay. He pushed Paul away. He didn't want to get hurt again. He pushed him away by saying he was okay. But he wasn't okay. He wasn't the least bit okay.

       The truth was, it hurt so bad. So bad. And John's heart needed Paul to be there for him. But his brain said differently. He had to push Paul away. He couldn't afford anymore pain. He couldn't take it.

       "I can't do this." John whispered to himself as a tear slowly rolled down his cheek, with another one after it.

       He knew he needed Paul, but he just wouldn't let himself let him in. He would just get hurt. That's what he kept telling himself.

       The door then opened, which made John quickly wipe his cheeks and continued smoking his cigarette, turning his head to the opposite side of the door, acting as if nothing had happened.

      "John?" John quickly widened his eyes. He knew that voice. It was the person he had been thinking about this whole time.

     "Yeah?" He turned his head back around to face Paul, giving him a weak smile that he knew wouldn't keep him from Paul's questions.

     "Are you okay?" He replied.

      "Just fine." John smiled his weak smile again.

      "Well, band practice has started so just come up soon, okay?" He smiled back, this time giving a small wink.

      "Okay." John replied.

       "Love you."

       "I love you too." John mumbled sadly.

        As Paul walked back inside, John immediately began silently crying. Why was it so hard for him? Why couldn't he just trust Paul? He wanted to so bad. But he just couldn't. Not after everything that happened.

      John wiped his tears once more, and walked inside to band practice. He sighed as he realized there was a war going on inside of him

Thanks for reading. -Liz :)