Summer Fling

fifteen

  The next day, I'm out of the hospital and with Dr. Belford's orders, I'm resting at home so I can catch up on some much needed rest.

  After I had told Dr. Belford everything, he had repeated most of what Catalina had told me, but in a different way. His perspective had made me think about things that I hadn't even given a thought to.

  Talking to him was what I had needed and I had to admit that I felt much more at peace. I decide to up early and head over to Catalina's door, knocking with the hope that she'll open.

  A moment later, she opens the door and harshly asks, "what do you want?"

  I'm a bit surprised by her attitude and I stutter, saying, "I—I—I just wanted to— I wanted to apologize."

  "For what?"

  "For scaring you when I fainted. I know you were upset and I promise, I'll take better care of myself."

  "I was obviously scared but after the conversation we had, I thought you were apologizing for something else," she says disappointedly.

  "I—"

  She walks past me and says, "I have to go to work."

I move aside so that she can shut her door and she leaves me there, standing alone. I know I deserve it and I don't dwell on it too much, instead I choose to go back into my room.

I feel sick as I lay there, thinking about everything and plaguing my mind with unspeakable thoughts about my dad. After a while of putting myself through that misery, I decide that enough is enough and that I need to get out of this hotel.

I need fresh air.

  I walk to the special spot that Catalina had discovered and told me about. When I think about the past times I've come here with Catalina, I'm saddened by the fact that I'm alone this time.

  I know that right now we need some space though, so I try not to focus on it too much. I sit on one of the benches and take in a deep breath, relishing the fact that I'm finally alone and can take some time to figure everything out.

I think about everything that's happened over the past few days and I feel everything all over again.

The pain. The happiness. The sadness.

Which emotion will win?

I hear my phone ring and I check it, only to find out that it's an alarm that I've forgotten to take off. It's my reminder that my lunch hour has started at the internship.

I smile as I think about what Catalina must be doing. She's probably grabbed her food from the grand cafeteria, and gone to the break room.

The food in that cafeteria lacked flavor and taste, but whenever Catalina and I ate together, she always made a joke about it or brought up something nice about the food. I miss that.

Is she happy without me?

I feel upset as I think about that, but my mind turns to another question as I think about her.

Is she sad without me?

"I know that I'm sad without her," I mumble to myself.

I resist the urge to send her a text because I know that it will only cause more harm over anything else. She won't appreciate me texting her unless, of course, my text is to tell her that I've chosen her or not.

I know the answer may seem simple.

Choose her.

But it's not.

I go into my photo gallery and look at the photos from the past two months. She's in most of them and as I'm scrolling through each one, I remember all of the fun that I've had in each one.

One photo that we took at this special spot is my favorite, as I'm making a goofy face in contrast to her serious pose. We were like that, always fitting in with each other without any awkwardness and flaws.

The background is of the large trees, and visibly, a bright blue sky with minimal clouds. We had had so much fun that day, biking and just talking to each other. The most fun times don't always have to be so extravagant. Sometimes, it's better to make it simple so you can think about what matters.

In that case, it was her. She's always been what matters to me.

Sure, some of the moments have been bad and I'll never forget our fights, but the good moments have been great.

Those moments have made everything worth it.

Whenever I'm with her, I forget everything and I live in the moment. When we kissed, a question about my dad came to me but that's because I chose for that to happen. Catalina was right, I need to let go of him.

I had said goodbye to him at his grave but yelling at him hadn't necessarily let me let go of the guilt. I couldn't let go of that because I still thought I owed it to him.

Catalina's words replay in my head, as do Dr. Belford's words, my mom's words, and my sister's words.

Why am I so focused on the one person that doesn't accept me when I have a ton of my people that actually accept me?

Especially since the one person that doesn't accept me is dead.

My dad is important to me but I can't keep holding back in my life because of him. I know that he hated my sexuality but he also wouldn't have wanted me to miss out on anything because of him.

Yeah, he wouldn't be thrilled that I would be with Catalina but who cares, right? The point is that he wouldn't want me to lose everything over him, even if it was something like this.

He still loved me.

He just didn't love my sexuality.

In the end, I can hold on to the parts of my dad from my childhood but I can't hold on to the parts of him that mistreated me over my sexuality.

I need to let go of that.

I take a deep breath in and then exhale, smiling as I do so. I feel a breeze course through the area and I feel my blood rushing through my veins.

With Catalina, everything is so different. I don't force myself to do or feel anything. I just feel at ease with her.

So, I'll just be me, and I think that's more than enough. I'm not going to fall into any more ridiculous traps of what the now non-existent part of my brain thought I should do. I feel content and a calming feeling of peace comes through me.

And I've finally made an important decision.

I can't believe that I ever doubted it.

I choose her.

I've always chosen her and I always will.

Who else is happy that Alana has gotten over her past and has chosen Catalina? I hope you enjoyed reading!