The last time

29: Her

I should clarify, it seems like I've gotten pretty far behind Danny. I'm honestly surprised he wrote something after July first. But I'm sure it was just so I'd read the entry. I'm still not there yet though. So let's go back to June. Back to that phone call where I told him everything I thought I could fix to make our relationship work. We'll get to July first. I promise. But there's a lot Danny left out between our last break up and that awful night. I'm going to try to fill in the blanks.
For now, we'll start back here. It had been two days since we spoke on the phone. I didn't wake up crying in the middle of the night anymore and my stomach no longer lurched with an unexplained regularity. Don't get me wrong. Nothing had changed for me. I love him. I needed to have him in my life again. I just was letting God do my worrying and I was keeping busy improving just like I told him I would. I began by jogging, which you know because that's what I'd been doing right before I called him at work. We'd always said we'd work out together but I'd always told him I couldn't run with him until I ran on my own first. I didn't want to be embarrassed by how slow I was. Check. I kept the ball rolling and told a boy I was friends with who was very obviously interested in something more that I had no intention of dating him and wished to be direct about it so as to not cause any confusion. He wanted to be with someone who didn't allow other guys to get any ideas. Check. This was my new mindset. I'd take everything he'd said was wrong with me with intent to hurt me or show me I'd never be what he wanted and I'd fix it; I'd change it. I began learning to swim and within a week was able to cross an entire pool underwater with a single breath. We'd planned on jumping off waterfalls someday but my lack of confidence in staying afloat kept us from going. Check. No more holding back. No more feeling comfortable. I was going to fix it all. Maybe if I could fix all of this, I could make up for never telling him the truth about the boy I kissed at bonnaroo. Maybe we could rebuild and forget. Maybe.