Running Wild

Part Twelve, Nightmares Catching Up

When I came home again I watched with the baby sitter a movie and then she left. A few hours later Chris and Antoinette were coming home and we ate dinner.
The next day I started my job at the Vinyl Shack, Angela explained everything to me and I had no complications. Nothing extraordinary happened the following week either. I went to work, went grocery shopping with Rae and lived.

    "Reagen, would you bring Rae upstairs, it's already late" Antoinette asked.
    "Sure. See you tomorrow then." I lifted Rae up and carried her upstairs. I held myself back from making any noise of surprise as Toby stood at the windowsill. I laid Rae in the crib and turned the baby phone off.
    "What the hell, Toby?" I whispered and looked at Rae, she wasn't asleep yet but I didn't want to curse in front of her. The window he stood in front of was still open and it was getting colder. I pulled his sweater sleeve a bit to the right, so that he moved and closed the window.
    "It's goddamn cold, you know?" I looked up to him as he took off his guard and shoved his goggles up to his hair. It pointed in all directions. He's got a talent for that. Bit by bit he came closer, placing his hand on my hip and the other on my back.
    "I told y-you, I'd come to see you ag-gain." He nudged my forehead with his and we stayed like this.
    "Couldn't you have done that when I was on my way home? Not here?" He slightly pulled me closer.
    "I wanted to st-ay the night with you." I sighed and closed my eyes.
    "...alright. But you have to be gone in the morning, and take off your hoodie, I don't want any blood stains on the bed." He kissed me shortly before he took off his hoodie and gloves and laid it on an old shirt of mine. I didn't want to have to explain why there are blood stains in their daughters room. I sat down on the bed as he walked over to Rae's crib. He put in his hand after she grabbed for it.
Looking at Toby from behind without his hoodie, and just in a black shirt, made him look so different. It made him look a bit more muscular and buff.
    "...you can hold her if you want, just be careful." I didn't know if I would regret that decision later on or not. He slowly and carefully took her out and laid her on his shoulder. I wasn't sure whether it fit him or not, knowing his character.
    "Have you ever wanted children?" I asked him.
    "I never thought abou-t it, so I gues-ss not." He said and caressed her head slightly, before he put her gently back in the crib. I appreciated how much effort he put into making me feel safe about his actions.
There were so many questions I wanted to ask him, who he was before, or if he'd been always like this. What happened? Where was his family? What's going on inside of him? But I knew, I would never ask any of them. It were questions of curiosity, not because I really wanted to know it.
He sat down next to me on the bed, breathing out loud.
    "I don't know if y-you knew, b-but when you had nightm-mares, I sat next to you and it stopped." Although it was embarrassing to hear, I wondered. I always thought they stopped, I couldn't remember any of my dreams since a long time.
    "Thank you, for trying, I know I'm a handful." I scratched my hand and looked at Rae, then I felt Toby pulling me closer to him and rubbing my shoulder. He reminded me of Chris, he also did it when we were younger.
    "Why do you put up with me anyways?" I asked. I didn't think that he fell in love with me or anything like that, I didn't know if I liked him like that, I haven't thought about it so deeply. For the past weeks I tried to forget about him.
    "Seriously? You c-calm me down." He said it as unforced as he meant it. I wasn't hard to believe him actually, seeing him alone in the woods, he was totally different than when we're together. Either he held back everything he carried with him or he wasn't who I met, although I don't really know who that is either.
I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.
    "You also calm me down." I said and he started to caress my head.

I couldn't remember anything after that, and suddenly stood in the living room again. It was dark, just the TV was on, it was like the night I spent when Chris and Antoinette weren't home. I didn't want to be reminded of that night though.
I tried to recognize anything else than the TV but I couldn't it was too dark. In the next moment I heard a laughing, at first it was distant but it came closer, I felt it beside me. A gentle brush against my skin made me shiver and anxious. What was going on?
    "I thought I calmed you down... did you lie to me?" It was Toby's voice, no doubt, but he sounded different.
    "I...-" Suddenly I felt a hand on my cheek.
    "I love you." The hand wandered to my neck. "I want you!" Then his grip tightened and he choked me.
    "Come with me, let me love you, let me show you what you can do." He released me and brushed down to my shoulder until the hand disappeared. It wasn't easy to let it all go, to behave and swallow it all. It was as hard as to stop smoking, to stop an addiction. The withdrawal was cruel, running into people that make you want to live it out even more. It was hard. I didn't want to go through that again, not even for him.
    "I can't, I don't want to." From behind me I felt warmth, and lips on my neck kissing me.
    "Do it." He sounded exactly like he did in the woods. It shocked me. I began to hyperventilate and pressed my hand tight against my chest, wanting to calm down. I couldn't tell what was going on, if it was a panic or asthma.
    "Reagen, hey, wak-e up. Reagen!" Toby whispered at me. I couldn't think clear. As soon as my vision became clear I faced Toby and shoved him away from me. I coughed and gasped for air
    "What is it?" He asked and tried to help me.
    "Asthma.." I said with my last breath. I pointed at my jacket, where my inhalator was at. He stood up and searched the pockets until he found it. He gave it to and I could breathe a few seconds later. I wanted to thank him, but I couldn't clearly look at him without feeling scared.
    "Please leave." I said to him without looking.
    "Reagen-" He started, but I couldn't hear his voice anymore.
    "Toby, please, if you really want to do something good, then leave." He was speechless, and I almost thought he would ignore me, but then he stood up and put on his sweater. He came onto me and although I was afraid I tried to keep it to myself. But he noticed I wasn't feeling well around him.
    "I'll go, okay, jus-st once m-more." He bent down and kissed me. As he was about to let go, I kissed him on my own again before I held myself back.
    "You know where I a-am." He said as he left through the window.