This will be a collection of short stories, poetry, and just thoughts of mine that I wrote while growing up. Some of it dark and yet some of it hopeful, this will not be finished for awhile because I will continue to write as I grow throughout the y...
I'm well aware of the fact that I must always live with my mental illnesses and I'm conscious of the way it alters my life and does things its own way, like a stubborn child disobeying its mother in a store.
The depression wraps me inside of its cocoon whilst the anxiety screams at me and reminds me of the wrong I'm doing by letting myself be swallowed whole, only to emerge a more defeated version of myself.
Depression makes the most minuscule tasks seem insufferable. Some days I don't shower, brush my teeth, brush my hair. Hell sometimes I can't for at least a week. I set alarms so I at least get up and eat a tiny bite or drink sips of water so I don't wither away into the black hole where my depression has already dragged my mind.
I still don't understand why so many of us suffer with this, and yet there are so many who don't. I'll never get why I'm so sad, so anxious, so panicky. It's not fair but I would never wish it on another.
To my fellow people who get it, I'm so sorry. Sorry that you too, know what it's like to hate yourself for no reason. To need to sob and scream and get it out. Feeling that harming yourself is the only release (it is not, and one day you will find other ways and I'm here if you need someone).
For those who have a panic disorder like me: I know you think you're going to die. I know the pain is really there and you can't stop it. I know you can't just calm down, that you cannot just slow your breathing. Please remember, we have been here before and it WILL pass. Cry it out baby, scream about it. Do what you need to to get through it. For me. I throw myself into a freezing cold shower, it slows your heart rate and helps you breathe better after a second. I cry it out if I can and do this until it passes. However on the really bad days, I find myself, body seized up on the floor and hyperventilating feeling like I'm going to die. The pain so severe my doctor will tell you it feels like you're having a heart attack. But it passes all the same. Try to remind yourself: I'm not dying. I can breathe. The pain is real but I am fine, it's just from my anxiety building up and causing physical pain. This will pass. I will be okay.
If you've read all of this I'm sorry it is all over the place but it's how it came out.
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