Selective Mutism: This Is My Story ✓

what it feels like

So this chapter is going to explain the actual physical things i have. Some started quite recently, and I think it's because I've had a little trouble sleeping, and even if you do have (and have been diagnosed with sm) sm yourself, you may not relate to all of this because obviously different sufferers experience similar and different things.

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~ this is in first person and based on something that happened a while ago ~

I feel my neck tense and I move it, only to jerk my head. I feel stiff and frozen, like everything inside me is ice yet I'm so hot because I'm sweating. I clench and unclench my hands, and relax a little when I hear everybody is moving around, not just me. So not all the attention will be on me. I know which group I'm in, and I tell myself that surely, things won't be that bad. I'm not with all boys. Three boys and one girl. She looks okay, as she sits in the seat. I survey over the table she is sitting at and make a quick calculation. Four chairs. I need one more. I glance over to my left and reach out to grab the chair, feeling my neck stiffen again so I can barely move it and I can barely breathe as I grab the chair. My head shakes. Everything inside me is shaking; like there's an earthquake. And there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I reach the table and place the chair at the end of it, thanks to someone tucking in a little. I'm grateful, normally I would have to force out a 'scuse me,' and wait for them to hear me. Sometimes, they don't. Sometimes, I just stand there until someone nudges them.

But I take a seat, and feel all eyes on me. i focus on the table.

I look around, and try and catch the girls eye. Normally girls are easier to get on with, because I roll my eyes at boys, and they do too. But she ignores me and focuses on the boy infront.

Possibly the worst people. Not in my form, yet they know I don't speak much. I just wish that they could see me at home. Because I'm okay there.

"Does she speak?" The boy diagonal to me asks.

"No," the one on my right replies.

"I've never actually heard her speak."

"She never speaks."

The girl lets out a laugh like a sheep in pain, coming from the back of her throat so her mouth doesn't move. She does this with a flick of her hair and a glance at the boys.

"Yeah, I do," I'm surprised but a glow of pride falls into my stomach. I'm still shaking and I'm certain they can't hear me.

Until someone says "it's a miracle!"

And they're all laughing.

At me.

And the earthquake is coming again.

Stings and hot clouds form over my eyes, until I feel them grow watery.

But I summon up all I have learnt and all people have said. All the inspiring quotes, and telling myself that one day, I will get over this and I will prove them wrong. So I blink and cover over my eyes with my sleeve, forcing to make the water not fall.