Selective Mutism: This Is My Story ✓

being 18 (2019 update)

oh, hi there

HI THERE

Long, long time no see. Can you believe I wrote this five years ago, give or take? I was thirteen then, insecure, depressed, a mess. I hadn't done my GCSEs, I talked to hardly anyone, and didn't recognise my worth despite it being handed to me in the form of my reflection every day. 

Now, I am eighteen. EIGHTEEN. have been 18 for a few months, in fact. Alas, my hearts been broken more times than I can count on two hands, but I finally can see my worth. I have A-levels, a place at university (starting in September) to do creative writing (how predictable, I know), wonderful friends, and have the confidence to do things I never ever believed I could. 

But more importantly, I have hope. I'm not going to pretend I've always felt like this. As little as a few weeks ago in fact, I felt suicidal and hopeless. Somehow, I managed to pull myself out, like I do every time. Like anyone can. It will come back, but I'm strong enough to get through it every single damn time. 

So, what's happened since 2017? Well, I started medication for my anxiety and depression. Does it help? Hell fucking yeah. Been on them for about a year now. 

Went on my first date. And I! Dmed! Him! My heart was broken, yes, when for some unknown reason he decided he didn't want me anymore, but it was so wonderful it made my head spin, for the time that we lasted, anyway. 

I finally spoke to the boy I hopelessly adored for years. We speak now, we're not friends, but we laugh and all is well, pretty much. 

I've had experiences with people who actually wanted me in both romantic and sexual lights. I never believed anyone could before. 

I published a book! A book of heart-wrenching poetry from the depths of my heart. Its cheap, it's affordable, it's available in e-book form or paperback, feel free to purchase it (please, it would mean the world, I mean - ahem - it's up to you) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1795279729 in case the link isn't a thing, look up "delusion" by sophie regan on amazon. 

I've been to more concerts, travelled to London on my own, recovered from losing friends, finally realising I'm better off without them, family losses, and so on. 

Basically, I've been living in a way I never believed I could, or never even wanted to. 

Im not here to MAKE you realise that it's all worth it. You have to learn that on your own. I'm here to explain that there isn't one light at the end of the tunnel, there are many lights along the way, you just have to keep your head up and look for them. 

People will hurt you and let you down, and it will feel like the end of the world, and there will be days where you just want to sleep. So let yourself. If you're sick, if you're depressed, look after yourself because you're ill. There's nothing I can possibly stress more than that. If you don't have friends in person, make some online. There are hundreds of people who'd love to know you, help you, and show you what you mean to them. 

You're amazing. I'm one example of someone who is surviving with this burden called selective mutism, among other mental illnesses. I'm not a god, or a witch. I'm not a guru, or an illusion. I'm a normal person born in England, experiencing average experiences, going through times just as hard as anyone else goes through. 

All I can ask, is believe me when I tell you, you will get to the other side, and then another one, and another one. There isn't just one. But there are better ones than you may be on right now. 

And all in all, be loud and proud, cause honestly? The world's dying anyway, so make your mark while you can.