Selective Mutism: This Is My Story ✓

intro

So, as you know already, my name is Sophie. I'm thirteen years old and ever since I can remember I've had selective mutism.

I don't like saying it, or even typing it. It's a bit like Voldemort, which is weird, but it's the only way I can think of explaining it. For now, lets just call it sm.

So, it's a condition. I really don't know anything about it and still to this day nobody knows how it's caused.

It's not a choice. It's not shyness. Though just saying "I'm shy," is a lot easier than explaining all this. But I'm not shy. And I hate it when people say things like "she's just shy," - but honestly I just play along because, I wouldn't be able to explain it. Even typing this is so hard. I'm not a scientist. I don't know the ins and outs of sm. All I know is its 'proper' description is 'the inability to talk in certain situations, but the ability to talk freely and comfortable in others.' It's something like that, anyway! I'm probably boring you already.

So, I don't talk to my parents about it much. I think they forget about it sometimes. They wouldn't understand anyway. No one does. I can't talk to my friends about it, it's just impossible to try and imagine something you don't have. It's so much more than a condition. It's so much more than just not talking. It's like this thing is inside me, grabbing my tongue and telling me don't, don't. It's a fear that I think about constantly, it stops me from being normal and free and happy. It makes me depressed and expressionless and awkward and sweaty and cold and shake and it's just always there. There's not a button to switch it off. It's just a part of me, it's made me who I am, I can't change that.

But I always wish with all of me I could be someone else, just not have it.

Sometimes I feel like a 'normal' teenager; happy and on top of the world, and even if you're thinking now 'being a normal teenager isn't exactly a cup of tea either!' But it really is, because you don't realise how lucky you truly are. You don't until you know there's something wrong.

I only found out I had this when I was 11. It was completely out of the blue, aswell. My mum was looking at this article thing about it. They were interviewing children, and I (being curious) approached my mum and asked her what it was.

For some reason I have this image in my head of my mum being tearful, and she saying something along the lines of "look at this, you might relate to it," but I really don't know! My memory's hopeless.

So I took a seat at the desk (the article was online), most of the context looked boring (so many words!) but soon I came to the bit where all the kids were saying what it was like. It was just sometimes them saying things like : "I can't put my hand up in class," but I thought that was normal, so I just read that and passed it off. Some, though, were strange, but I still related to them. I remember before I started reading the article, I think I felt angry at my mum, for some odd reason, because I thought it was something about shyness, which as you know, I hate people pointing out. But soon, as I read on, I realised it was something else, something else entirely that was me.

Sm is a weird thing to explain, and I'm awful at explaining, so sorry if I'm making no sense!

After reading the article, I questioned my mum about it, and she was surprised to find out I didn't actually know about it, she seemed to think she'd told me before, which she may of done, considering my mum and dad knew about it when I was 7 or 8, but probably actually developed it at 4 or 5, I may of just forgotten about it.

From that moment on, it's changed my life. I think about it every day. It's sprung up so many more anxieties and thoughts and other things than before.

We tend to worry about things more than average. I worry about basically everything. I constantly worry about meeting people, even my friends. I worry about blushing at dinner, and what my family will think. I don't know if this is normal, or an sm thing. I don't think some things help it. Honestly, I don't think my family or friends are much help. (Sorry!) it's true. At school sometimes I do get ignored, and this just puts another ton of worry on my shoulders and when I get home I sometimes cry, I feel like everyone is giving up on me and are ignoring me deliberately or something.

I sound like I want you to feel sorry for me, but I DON'T. That's the opposite of what I want. I just want you to understand what it's like.