Selective Mutism: This Is My Story ✓

an insight

Before I start writing this, just to let you know, sm is not contagious!

Thank you.

So, I'm not sure where to start, but I'm going to try.

Sm is not physically seen. It's a mental disorder, so even if we may move stiffly or have blank faces etc, you can't see it. It's not like being in a wheelchair, people don't tend to stare, we just look normal, when in fact, we're not.

Sometimes, however, we probably do look weird.  Like I know I personally am really twitchy and I jump a lot at loud noises, sudden movements, movements infront of my face etc. There are people I know who have noticed this, and they've just recently used it to their advantage and my disadvantage. They are boys in my class so obviously they tease everyone and everything, but they don't realise how worse they are making it, how my face burns and I shake and I sweat and move even more stiffly and my face goes blanker and the smile slides off. They don't know I'm screaming inside for them to stop. Because they just don't understand.

And I can't scream. I can barely make a sound.

I just push the monster as far down my throat as I can (the monster is metaphorical by the way incase you're worried) and smile like its a big joke and I don't have a care in the world about what they do even though it's just making it worse.

I know the boys are probably just having fun, and they probably forget about it, but I'm red and sweating and so embarrassed I can't concentrate or speak for a whole lesson just because I feel like everyone is staring and the monster inside me is laughing. Everyone is laughing.

At me.

Or so I think. But they're probably not. It's just sometimes I jump so much or I mutter something and look like a mad person.

A couple of the boys, actually, sit next to me in lessons. So when they put their bag down they slam it and shout at me.

I sound like I have no sense of humour, but I just don't think that's funny. I really don't.

Today, actually, I had R.E (which is religious education incase you didn't know) and behind our table was a couple of boys. So they're normally always teasing everyone, but one of them has something against me, he has something against everyone that's different or 'weird' (me) so he's always purposely shouting when he's near me and pushing past me because he simply knows I can't cant can't retort anything when he does.

I wish I could.

But anyway. So he knew I was watching him, because he took one of my friends pencil case who I was sharing a table with. And because he knows I wouldn't be able to say anything, he took it and took something out it. I wanted to say something to my friend. But it's like I can't breathe and I'm suffocating and I just can't speak.

And then he goes 'SHH' with an exaggerated finger to his lips.

Cuz he knows I wouldn't say anything.

And I feel so bad but you know what I did? I smiled because I didn't want anyone to think Im weird. I want people to respect me and think of me as equal instead of inferior. So I smiled as if I was going along with the joke when really I wanted to slap his face and wipe of his smirk with sandpaper and kick him for being such an asshole and all those times he's made me anxious and jump and shoved past me.

But I was frozen.