Hopeless? ~ Third Part of Loverboy.

Chapter 21. ~ Ashley.

I wished with all my heart and soul that Nathan wouldn't have come to visit me. It shouldn't be humanly possible to be allowed to see him so destroyed, so sad and broken, and it was all my fault. 

—Hey. —He had said. 

He tried to touch me, and then I stepped back. If I ever felt his skin burning against mine again, this all would be much more difficult than it already is. I would start to feel something, and if returned to a normal human state, I wasn't going to get out of this. Feelings are for the weak, I repeated over and over again. 

Even so, the part of my heart that was burning with feelings couldn't stop beating for him, even though his tired eyes didn't radiate light anymore, even if his fingers are all calloused from bitting them so much, even if he's not the one to blame for all of this. 

And that's when it occurred to me that the worst thing that can happen in life is to be physically and emotionally dependent on one person, because when that person is going through something, anything, not necessarily associated with pain, you feel it. You will feel their happiness, their sadness, despair, rage, fatigue. Sometimes it will be so complicated and difficult that you're going to wish you would've never met that person before, but through the pain, the tears, the smiles and the blood, you realize that it is real, that none of this is sugar-coated, that this is what the people call "true love" even if it's spontaneous, fleeting, painful or perfect. 

And goddamn, I wish I didn't love Nathan Sykes truly. 

I realized that this would be easy for me. I could repress every feeling, every memory, every kiss and every hug he gave me. I could spend days in the hospital bed and then leave, and maybe go to another part of the world and never hear from him again. I could create a new life—shit, maybe I could change my identity—meet a new person, fall madly in love and start a family. But he could never do this. 

He could never do it, because he has been one of the unfortunate—or fortunate, depending on how you see it—people to find someone that is able to define them as a person, someone to laugh and to cry with, someone whom they can give their own self to. And that's exactly what I'm talking about. 

Nathan Sykes shouldn't have met me, he never should have made me a priority in his life. I felt so bad for him, I would forget everything and he would stay in the same time of his life, a moment which he would let consume him and let it define him as a person. He would stay in love with the same girl, the same lost soul whose purgatory is here on Earth, the same girl who could never achieve something real in her life, but was guilty of the crime of making a someone's life a misery. 

As much as I would like to cut the invisible thread between us, I knew that was impossible. But at that moment, I felt horrible, knowing I had completely ruined the life of a good boy, an incredibly beautiful person, without even trying. 

I couldn't look him in the eyes without feeling sorry for him. I could see the debris of the disaster I had created all over his face, from his green emerald eyes surrounded by a sea of ​​blood to the slightest change on his hairstyle. 

Pleae forgive me. 

Please forgive me because all I can do in life is try to push the people around me away before I ruin their lives completely. 

—Uhh... I... I miss you. —He said, after a moment of silence. 

I didn't answer. I didn't want to answer. I didn't try to answer. I never wanted to talk in my life again. 

—I was so stupid, I don't know how I didn't see this coming. Sorry for making you go through this.  

But he didn't know he wasn't the one making me go through this. 

—Seeing you like this kills me as well. Now that you're here, I don't even know what to do. You're not supposed to be like here. You should be happy, enjoying your senior year in college. Not like this... 

But he didn't know this was the way it is supposed to go. 

He continued talking, saying things so depressing about how everyone else had been ​​that made me jut want to die there once for all. I was blocked my hearing sense gradually until I no longer heard any word he said. 

I guess I fell asleep, too, because when I opened my eyes he was gone, and instead I could see Aubree, Roxanne and Jay. My heart swelled with so much happiness that I almost started to cry, but feelings are for the weak. 

—Heeey. —Roxanne said about to cry, but she never cries, so I knew she wasn't going to cause a melodramatic scene in the middle of the UCI. 

—You've scared us so much, don't do that again. Next time we'll let the wild animals of the forest eat you. —Aubree commented, and then Jay and Roxanne looked at her in a serioud was, as if to say "her mind isn't stable, you shouldn't say that," but I still felt like laughing. And believe me, I did my best not to, but it was very difficult, so a little smile appeared on my lips. 

My friends. That was all I needed. 

—Aw, Ashley. —Roxanne said, taking my hand. 

—Well, if everything you need to recover is just a bit of sarcasm and a dark sense of humor, then let me tell you that you look horrible. —Jay said and smiled a little. I smiled back. 

I didn't feel like I had enough strength to speak, but damn, I just wanted to tell them how much I loved them and what they meant to me. 

They spent some time with me, telling me what they had done in these last weeks. Aubree and Roxanne told me what they did on my birthday—which I had completely forgotten that had past—Jay told me how the little tour in South America was, saying that they had missed me because Nano was much tougher than me when he was waking them up. Aubree told me several gossips from college and Roxanne told me how her new life with Josh in their new apartment was going. 

And for a moment, I really could forget everything that was going on and spend some normal time with my friends, talking about things as if nothing had really happened. I needed to surround myself with happiness and support, something that distracted me from the images that didn't stop repeating in my head. 

They finally had to leave, so I was left alone for a few minutes thinking about the things they had said, trying to hide an unavoidable smile until someone moved the curtain aside. 

I would have recognized that hand anywhere. 

Patrick closed the curtain again and walked quickly towards me, unplugging the electrocardiogram from its electrical power supply so it wouldn't  beep when my heart began to race up, which is what it did when I saw him. 

I had completely forgotten he was here. 

He pulled out a roll of plastic tape from his pants, cut off a piece and put it over my mouth. Excellent, he didn't even know that I couldn't talk. 

But still like that, as my eyes were coming out of my sockets and my lungs were struggling for oxygen, he sat next to me and smiled as if nothing. 

—You know I love to see you like that. —He said, and a few hot tears ran down my temple. 

I just wanted this all to end. 

I closed my eyes tightly. 

—Listen, princess, everything that happened should and will stay between you, Dionne and me. —He whispered close to my ear and took my face in his hands. I opened my eyes—. If any of this comes to light, you know I'll fuck you to death, even if it hurts me more than it hurts you.  

I reached a point where I couldn't actually breathe, literally. I completely start to panic and I had an anxiety attack. And he could only stand there and smile like that, with that pervert smirk of his.  

—Well, then I guess I'll leave. I hope you never forget me, because I know I won't forget you. —He said and kissed my cheek softly, pugged the electrocardiogram in again, took off the plastic tape from my mouth and then he left. 

It wasn't long until the doctors arrived to help me again, making me take some pills that I knew would knock me all night long without any problems. 

Dreams had always seemed better than reality, but there are times in life—like this one—where I would swallow a handful of these pills so I would never wake up again.