My Chemical Romance One Shots (complete)

My Story. (please read)

Hello. I think it is quite apparent this is not going to be a continuation to my one-shot, but something else. You do not have to continue if you do not want to, but if you do, I would appreciate it because this is something very important to me.

Around November of 2018, this story begins. I had just started at a new school, and academically and socially wise, I was doing the best I could. I was thriving with my subjects and had a small group of four friends who are very dear to me.

This school has a uniform. During summer boys and girls both wear golf shirts. Boys wear khaki shorts and girls wear a plaid skirt. During Winter, boys wear a dress shirt, sports jacket, a tie, and khaki pants, while girls wear a dress shirt, a sweater vest, and the same skirt.

But I was different. I am a girl, but I would wear khaki shorts and pants mattering on the season. I would still wear the girl's top, but with khaki shorts or pants.

No one else in my grade did this.

My school never said anything about it, but being at a Catholic school, it wasn't exactly what they wanted. Thankfully, I never had to fight for my rights to wear the bottoms of my choice, but the school would have preferred if I were to wear the skirt.

Also, thankfully, no one ever directly made fun of me or bullied me.  Considering how some of my fellow school mates act around me, comment, etc. I always had a feeling that somethings did happen without my knowing, but I am grateful nothing has directly happened to me so far.

During this school year, though, things were not all lollipops and rainbows. I am not going to sit here and tell you that I have depression, because I have never been to a doctor or therapist who has diagnosed me with it. But this year was very hard mentally for me.

Sometimes, it felt hard to even get out of bed in the mornings. I felt no hope whatsoever. I thought the people who had become my friends only did it out of pity because I was the new kid, and that I was not loved.

Even now, I feel that some days.

I would come home and bottle up all of my emotions, never talking about it with my family or friends at school. I felt like I couldn't entrust my real thoughts with anyone.

And to make things worse, I began to question what gender meant to me.

Personally, I feel as though gender has become a social construct based off of clothing, figure, appearance, and likes and dislikes. I think we can all agree that we live in a word where, sadly, gay, lesbian, transgender, etc. sometimes walk the streets in fear of what might happen to them.

And I know that in my lifetime, that problem will most likely not be fixed.

Because I live in a world like this, I feared telling anyone my secret. I was just that. A secret to me. I feared anyone knowing that I might not fully identify as female. It scared the living shit out if me to think that someone may find out.

So I bottled it up.

You are the first people I am telling this to.

You are the first people I am telling that there were nights I cried myself to sleep thinking that I may not be female, and that people may reject me  because of it.

You are the first people I am telling there were days I wanted it all to just stop, and for me to go back to a time where I didn't know what gender fluid, non-binary, transgender, etc. was.

You are the first people I am telling I tried to make my own binder and cried because I couldn't get my chest flat.

You.

I know to someone who hasn't gone through a type of transformation or thought process like this may think that I am stressing the fact of my "struggles" too much. I know it may seem silly for me to care so much. But it can be scary. Self-discovery is something not everyone in life has to go through, but if you do, whether it is with your gender, sexuality, etc., it can be very scary and foreign.

And even though my journey has been going on for almost a year, I know I will not be finished with it soon. I am aware that I will not wake up one morning and say "hey! Guess what! I think that I'm...". The journey will be a long one, and it will be hard. But, I am very grateful to have you all along for the ride with me.

I know that my writing isn't the best, but writing has given me an escape from all of my problems, whether it's the dark thoughts, or the seemingly endless journey of gender. Writing and reading has helped me through a lot of that. Reading some of your fanfiction, even if I think it is going to send me to the depths of hell because Gerard and Frank should not be doing that..., has given me a release of stress and worry.

So I thank you, each and every one of my readers and writers. Even if you do not write and only read, or if you only write and do not read, I thank you. From the very bottom of my heart. You have done more for me than you could imagine.

I will keep you updated on this journey for as long as I can. You may not see the end of it, but I can assure you, you have had a large part in it.

To all of my cisgender, transgender, non-binary, gender fluid, straight, gay, lesbian, pan, ace, queer, and anything else you can imagine, I love you all, and you are valid. When the world turns their backs on you, you only become stronger from their hate. The LGBTQ+ community will rise one day, even if we do not see it. We will and can make a difference.

To all of my readers who have read this in it's entirety, thank you. Thank you for listening to what I have been holding back. This was very hard for me to tell.

Thank you.