Joshler Because I'm: Soft

Part 7

(Tyler's POV)

After a long while of hugging in silence and Josh holding me, I decided to speak up, but I still didn't move away.

".... Josh?" I quietly asked.

"Mhmm?" He hummed warmly, not moving a muscle.

"Are you.... Are you mad at me because of it.... or upset with me?" I asked in a hushed tone, afraid of the answer that could follow. There was silence for just a moment, that cut through my skull like a knife.

"I'm definitely not mad.... but I can't not be upset after finding out you did that.... I mean, I'm not upset with you, but of course I'm a little sad...." Josh admitted, and I could hear the frown in his voice. I frowned as well and kept quiet, wondering if Josh would speak up again, which, thankfully, he did. "But I do have some questions.... and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but I just have to ask.... Why?" The tone of Josh's voice was making me upset again, so I stayed quiet a moment to pull myself together.

"I.... I don't wanna answer that...." I mumbled, placing my chin on Josh's shoulder.

"It's okay, Tyler. I understand-" Josh started gently, stroking my back, but I cut him off.

"....but you deserve to know...." I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the explanation. "Sometimes, throughout the many years of getting bullied and beat up every day of my life, sitting alone during lunch, having nobody to talk to.... Sometimes it just gets to you, and-and you just need a distraction from your mental and emotional torment.... and-and I regret it every day of my life, but in the moment.... it just seemed like the best option.... the only option...." I mumbled every word, but enunciated enough so Josh could understand me so I didn't have to repeat myself. He stayed quiet for a while and it started to worry me. "I'm sorry." I whispered, my anxiety making me worry and breathe faster.

"No, no, no, don't be sorry. Shh, it's okay. It's okay, Tyler. As long as it's not an option anymore." Josh stopped for a second, giving me the cue to shakily nod my head. After doing so, he continued. "But I have to ask one more thing.... do you still...?" Josh trailed off and I knew it was because he didn't want to say it out loud.

Of course I understood what he was saying, but it was still hard to talk about. Josh was actually the first person I told about this. Something about him made me want to open up, and that was terrifying. But Josh just had this way about him....

"No, no I-I've stopped, that part of my life happened a long time ago...." I quickly responded, worried that Josh would think I still did.... that. "Although.... I-I have thought about it.... a few times recently...."

"Tyler, please don't do it again. It's good that you've stopped, but please don't do it again.... it'll become a habit, and it's so hard to stop once you've started. Please, just.... anytime you get any sense of danger or you feel unsafe, or you feel impulsive and you want to do that, just call me, or text me, or contact me in any way possible. I don't care if its 4am, if something specific caused it, or if it was built up over time, just come to me and let everything out. I'll try to give you all the hugs and comfort that you may need. Even if you just need someone to be there for you, to talk to or just for the sake of having someone's presence there, I'll always be free. Anytime you need to get something off your chest, you can talk to me." Josh had pulled away and had long since been looking me in the eyes.

I leaned forward and hugged Josh again, sniffling. "Thank you." I spoke softly, my voice wavering.

"Of course." Josh smiled at me and stood me up, grabbing my hand while standing close to me. "How about we watch a movie that'll get your mind off of this. Does that sound good?" Josh asked gently, looking at me with puppy-dog eyes.

"Yeah, that sounds great." I answered quietly and smiled at Josh's face.

          Still holding my hand, Josh lead me back to his room and sat me down on his bed. He sat down right next to me and made sure that no matter what he was doing, he was always touching me, probably because he knew his affection calmed me.

          "Let's see.... No sad movies, so romantic movies, and dramas are out of the mix. A comedy kinda seems insensitive at this point, and we want something to take your mind off of this.... I think I have a great idea for a movie." Josh quickly found the movie he was looking for and pressed play. It was one I've never heard of before.

I really wanted to snuggle with Josh and watch the movie like that, but he would probably just be uncomfortable and weirded out. Friends don't usually do that.... especially one gay guy and a straight guy.... Right? I decided on just sitting next to Josh and taking small glances every now-and-then. I really wanted to at least hold his hand, but I couldn't. Instead, I just squirmed around whenever I craved attention and hoped that maybe Josh would hug me or something. Thankfully, my plan worked, as he would give me a quick side hug.

After watching the film for a little bit, I realized it was a horror movie. Me, being the coward I am, started freaking out once the jumpscares started. Josh looked over at me and laughed a little bit at my terrified face. A horrifying-looking character suddenly appeared out of nowhere and screeched, freaking me the hell out. My first reaction was to let out a small yip, and hide, so I quickly turned towards Josh and covered my face with his shoulder.

"Heeeey, Tyler, it's okay." He chuckled, rapping an arm around my back. I lifted my head up and bit my lip, looking at Josh.

"Why'd you put a scary movie on!?" I questioned, frantically glancing at the TV with a worried look on my face.

"I don't know.... What were we talking about earlier?" Josh asked, looking over at me again.

"I don't-" Cue jumpscare. "AH!  REMEMBER! Oh my Josh, why!? This movie's really scary.." I frowned and buried my face in Josh's shoulder again.

He laughed again and tightened his arm around me, side-hugging me. "First of all, I knew this would work. Second of all, Tyler, it's okay. It's just a movie, you know it's not real, right?" Josh smiled at me with that adorable face and looked into my eyes.

"I mean, I know it's not real.... but that doesn't mean it doesn't scare me...." I mumbled into Josh's shoulder, holding onto his arm.

"Aw, don't worry. Here, will it make you feel better if I held your hand?" Josh smiled brightly at me, seemingly a little anxious for me to answer.

"Yes...." I responded nervously, wondering if it was a joke or not.

Suddenly, Josh's hand closed around mine, and I was immediately relieved. Not completely, of course, but it definitely helped a lot.

          I stayed close to Josh, just in case I had to hide my face again, and we ended up watching the rest of the movie like that.

          "See? It wasn't that bad." Josh looked over to me to see my response and I made an uncomfortable face.

          "Horror movies just aren't my cup of tea.... They're just disturbing." I said truthfully, turning to face Josh.

          "Only if you made it disturbing." Josh shrugged and then smiled and laughed at himself. "Wait. It's getting late and my parents are coming home soon. Want me to drive you home?" Josh offered, looking slightly disappointed that our time had been cut short.

          "Yes please, I would appreciate it. Thank you." I answered, standing up with Josh to get our stuff.