Joshler Because I'm: Soft

Part 8

(Tyler's POV)

          Pretty soon, we were out the door and Josh was driving me home. I was internally extremely sad that I had to leave, but I wasn't about to argue with Josh, especially after all he did for me.

          Once I got home, we said our goodbyes and I walked into my room, laying down on my back on the floor. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, so I checked the notification, only to find out Josh had just texted me.

Joshy: Hey, thank you for hanging out with me today. I had a lot of fun <3

Ty: Of course! I had a lot of fun as well <3 I'll see you tomorrow, Jishwa x

Joshy: See ya, Tyjo x

          I smiled at my phone and shut it off, sliding it back into my pocket. I happily laid there and thought about my fren for hours upon hours, feeling excited for future days I'll have with him.

          In the middle of my day-dreaming about Josh, I suddenly thought about some of the not-so-fun things that happened today. Next thing I knew, I was staring down at my stomach, tracing my fingers across the lines. The longer I thought about it, the worse it made me feel, and the stronger my urge grew. I ended up staying on the floor for another few hours, until I started feeling unsafe. My own mind was corrupting me right before my eyes and I had nothing to distract myself from it. I was home alone at the moment, and I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I felt that if I were to try and move, my body would move me towards the bathroom, and it would not be for nature's calling.

          I started breathing heavier and I had to force my limbs down to not do anything. I felt so unsafe with myself and my thoughts, I was so afraid. I quickly pulled out my phone and pulled up Josh on messages. Tears started to blur my eyes.

Tyler: josh

Tyler: josh please wake up

Tyler: please, i dont trust myself

Tyler: im so afraid....

Delivered: 2:06am

          I started breathing even heavier. What's happening to me? I started shaking as my tears started hitting the screen, blurring it.

Tyler: josh please....

Tyler: i cant do this

Tyler: im so sorry..

Delivered: 2:08am

          I shut off my phone and slid it into my pocket, trying to stop crying as I stared up at the ceiling. Just as I did so, I felt it buzz. I quickly pulled it out and put it in front of my face, wiping my eyes.

Josh: Tyler, Tyler, I'm here.

Josh: Please tell me what's going on.

Tyler: josh, im so scared....

Josh: It's okay Ty, you'll be okay. What are you scared of?

Tyler: myself....

Josh: I'm getting my shoes on now, do you have a window in your room, and is it close to the ground?

Tyler: yeah.... nobody else is home anyway....

Josh: I'm driving over now, please hold on. Keep texting me if it helps. I'll be there as soon as possible.

Tyler: okay....

Tyler: please hurry

          I stared at my phone screen for minutes on end, forcing myself to stay on the ground. I knew if I got up, it'd be over, so I stayed where I was. The only reason I didn't just end my life right then and there was because for once, somebody cared about me. I actually had a friend. Josh truly cared about me.... and he shouldn't have to see stuff like that. So, I decided to try and not subject him to it. I stayed staring at my messages with Josh until I got a soft knock on my window.

Tyler: you can come in, josh, it's open

          I texted him because I knew he couldn't hear me if I said anything, and I didn't trust myself to get up.

          Josh climbed through the window and slid over to me quickly.

"Tyler, are you okay!?" He spoke with alarm in his voice, probably because it was dark and all he saw was my body laying on the ground. He also gently grasped my hand. I tried talking, but I was unable to form coherent sentences. "Oh god, Tyler, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this, any of this. Please tell me you're okay." Josh sounded urgent, but like he was trying to be calm.

"I'm.... I'm not okay.... I haven't done anything, but.... I'm not okay." My voice cracked and I felt tears prick my eyes again. It was dark, so crying wasn't the worst option because he wouldn't know, assuming his eyes hadn't adjusted to the darkness yet.

Josh suddenly lifted up my upper torso so I was sitting up, and hugged me. Tightly. This hug was different from any other hug I had gotten from him before. It was almost like he didn't want to let go, and that if he hugged me, all my problems would go away. After a few moments, I loosely wrapped my arms around Josh's shoulders and let a tear fall.

"I just d-don't understand what's wrong with me.... I-I can't just be normal and-and happy...." I stuttered, trying not to audibly cry.

"Nothing's wrong with you, Tyler. And there's nothing wrong with being upset, or having these thoughts. It happens to lots of people, and there's ways to get past it, don't worry. You're gonna be okay." Josh tried to comfort me, but at the time, it wasn't working. I could only think about the worst possible scenarios.

"But what if I'm not okay...." I whimpered, pulling my head away to look at Josh as I grasped onto him. He also kept a hold on my shirt and looked me in the eyes, a soft look on his face.

"We're gonna be okay. I promise you that." Josh gazed into my eyes with patience and held eye-contact with me until I calmed down.

Without saying anything, I quietly just re-wrapped my arms around Josh and hugged him gently. I rested my head on his shoulder and stopped struggling to hold back anything. I let my tears fall, and I didn't let go of Josh, but he didn't let go of me either. He just softly held onto me, calmly sitting in silence. We stayed hugging in silence for a long time, letting me calm myself down and recollect my thoughts.